A letter to M

Dear M

I'm so annoyed with you today, so upset with myself because of you. I hate that I have given you so much power over me and I have no idea how I even begin to take it back. I hate that just seeing your picture can elicit such a strong physical response from me and I have no control over that and no idea how to prevent it. I hate the panic and fear that I experience when I see you in person, and I hate that I never know when or where that might happen. I hate the memory that bombards me when I see or think about you, like a video in my mind on continuous playback. I hate you so much for what you did, but most of all I hate me for not knowing how to deal with what you did, and for allowing this to build up then explode like a volcano disrupting my life constantly. 

I don't deserve to hurt like this, I never deserved to feel this way or to be hurt this way. You made me into a nervous wreck, constantly watching over my shoulder, constantly checking who is around me, constantly on high alert, checking my surroundings in case you might be there, it's draining, it's physically and it's mentally exhausting to feel and to act that way day in, day out. 

I don't want to feel like this anymore, I hate living this way, I hate that you turned me into a person that I hate so much, and I especially hate that I feel so much hate. It's poisonous, hate consumes you, you made me this way yet the way I feel, think or act have absolutely no impact on YOU or YOUR life - it only affects ME and MY life. I HATE YOU AND I HATE WHAT YOU DID AND I HATE HOW YOU MAKE ME FEEL ABOUT MYSELF. I have to change everything because of you, I have to deal with every tiny little feeling that you caused, and I hate that it's such a long and painful process because of you and what you did. But I have no choice, I have to figure this shit out because I refuse to let you take my life on top of everything else you've already taken. 

I wish I could make you see how much you've destroyed me and how hard it is to rebuild what you broke. I don't think you'll ever know, or care how you have affected me, but one day I will find the strength to take back that power I gave you, one day, not today, not tomorrow, but one day in the future I will hold that power again.