It's pretty clear from the previous 2 blog posts I've written that there's been some pretty traumatic events happen in my life. So how does anyone recover from those kind of events? This blog is going to be a little bit about my recovery, my transformation from victim to victor.
It wasn't an easy transformation and it most certainly wasn't a simple one either. It's a recovery that's lasted over half of my lifetime already and one that still continues to this very day.
Every journey must start with the first step though, right? In my case, that was the moment i realised what had happened to me, rather than the actual moment the rape took place. It was months later before I actually realised what he'd done, because I was simply too young, too naive to understand and I believed him when he told me I was a freak for not enjoying myself.
Though still to this day, 17 years on, I find it difficult to relate that experience to myself somehow, I can talk about it, but it almost feels like I'm telling somebody else's story and not mine which is a very odd, surreal feeling indeed. It's almost as if I can't relate that experience to the same feelings I've felt when T hurt me later on, because of the time delay in piecing together what had happened to me. It left nothing making sense to me. But in between that and what happened with T, there were several other issues in my life.
It seems that the first rape, left me with some pretty unconventional ideas of what a relationship was like between a boy and a girl. I wasn't even aware at the time, because I had no concept of normal to compare anything to, the early experiences I had were far from normal though I had no idea of that at the time.
It's only years later that I've come to realise it was not all that normal at all.
See by 15 I had begun a relationship with a very close male friend of mine, and after a couple of months we took the next step in making it a sexual relationship, a mutual decision and one we didn't make lightly. So as I turned what is meant to be 'sweet sixteen', I found myself in a 'grown-up' relationship having safe, consensual sex. Except one day, whilst I was on my period, my boyfriend tried to instigate sex, I quickly told him it wasn't possible and the reason why. His answer was to simply drop his fly, and push me down to a kneeling position in front of him, clearly he expected gratification in other ways and I simply accepted that this was how it was, no questions, no protest, I just got on with what was expected of me.
You see, I'd learned that saying no got you nowhere, I believed that in a relationship a girl just did what was expected of her whether she wanted to or not. So that was exactly what I did, I quickly realised that whenever that time if month came around I would be expected to do 'other things', things which I did not like, or enjoy in the slightest, things which turned my stomach and made me nauseous, things which to this day, I still cannot bring myself to enjoy because of the memories triggered by them.
Shortly after this relationship broke down came the incident with T, by this point I was already broken, confused, a bit of a mess to be truthful. I wasn't sure what to think or feel. It didn't feel wrong to tell T to stop what he was doing that day, I had every faith he would listen to me, after all we were such good friends, I knew the game we'd been playing was going too far, things were getting beyond my control but I knew T wasn't like that, all I had to do was ask him to stop. So I did, several times, I quickly realised that he actually was NOT going to listen to me, I was already well aware that a struggle was fruitless in this situation, so I simply switched my focus elsewhere until the whole ordeal was finally over.
Walking home that day, I just felt different, I can't explain the feeling, but I felt like everyone must know what had happened, that somehow my body was displaying T's betrayal to the world.
It wasn't, of course, but something drastic had changed inside me from that day. I was already self-harming, I didn't think it was noticeable, I just assumed everyone bought the cat scratch stories that poured out if people noticed, and no one really questioned why I wore gloves indoors, during my lessons in order to hide the cuts and scratches that constantly adorned my hands. All I knew at the time was that I hurt so much on the inside that I needed to hurt on the outside too, I needed to punish myself for the bad things I'd let happen to me, I just needed a way to let out all the anger that was building up inside of me. Cutting gave me the release that I craved, and at the same time it gave me a new pain to focus on as I watched the wounds try to heal, as I absently picked at the newly forming scabs, it took my mind briefly away from the volcano of hurt and anger bubbling away in the pit of my stomach.
So how does one person even try to recover from all that betrayal, all that hurt, how do you even begin to think about trusting people again?
Wednesday, 10 April 2013
Monday, 1 April 2013
Confronting your demons.
There's actually a lot to be said about confronting your demons, it takes courage but at the same time it sets you free according to one website.
There are many demons in my life, in my head and in my thoughts, many things that I am often too afraid to face head on. So instead I choose to bury them, build great walls around them to stop them escaping and wreaking havoc inside my head.
Not that it seemed to work that well, I was my own worst enemy for that, the walls served only to keep other people out, they never actually served their purpose to protect me from the demons lurking within, they, apparently had free reign over me.
I always wondered what would happen if I was ever strong enough to confront them, if I ever met them face to face, I guess if I ever thought about confronting my demons then that was it! See in my head that scenario played quite well, I was strong and assertive, demanding answers and making them realise exactly what they had done.
However the reality of that was entirely different altogether, you see, on the few occasions where I managed to find myself in a position where I was in close enough proximity to confront any of them, this is what I did - I hid.
There was no confrontation, no demands for answers, no strong, assertive Erica who made them feel as small they'd made me feel. Nope. The reality was, I ran away and I hid. My big brave persona crumpled like a trodden leaf in autumn. I hated the way I reacted, but in reality I found I just could not look into those eyes yet still maintain any of my senses at the same time. I had failed, in fact I hadn't, because I hadn't even really tried other than accidentally bumping into one of them in the street.
So the demons remained, they lived on inside my mind, torturing me slowly with memories, a simple taste, a simple touch and BAM!!!! Transported back there in an instant to relive my nightmares over and over again. Yet each time it became harder to get back to the present again, each time it took longer to recover from the flashbacks. I was sinking, and I was sinking fast. Question was, was I prepared to give up without a fight and allow my self to sink into despair because of what they'd done?
Confrontation seemed to be the answer, I needed, craved, some kind of release, some form of answers to the million questions burning into my brain. I needed them to acknowledge my pain in some way and decided that T was the safest of the 3 to confront, especially since it had just been brought to my attention that he was using Facebook and apparently we had mutual friends in common.
Imagine my horror as I loaded my facebook page one day only to be confronted by both of our pictures side by side telling me we had several friends in common! After fighting the urge to delete every mutual friend we shared I instead decided this was how I was going to confront T.
There would be no face to face, I simply wasn't strong or brave enough to face my demons so directly. Instead a simple message would suffice - a message I have decided to share here.
Dear T
I bet you never expected to hear from me after nine and a half years? Well there were some things that I needed to say to you, maybe then I can move on from the past.
I wish that I could go back and erase that saturday afternoon, May 23rd 1998. But that day, when you were unbuttoning my jeans and having sex with me, and you ignored me when I told you "Don't", you almost ruined my life, you destroyed my trust and took my dignity. It took years for me to trust again.
But I don't think that you even realised what had happened that day. I don't think you thought it was that big of a deal.
You approached me in the Arrowe Park Hotel one night and told me that you were sorry, and that you shouldn't have done what you did, that you loved me. You never loved me T, because if you did you would have respected my wishes when I asked you to stop.
What you did has a name T, it's called Rape, it's a criminal offence and it destroys lives, I should know since it almost destroyed mine. But I need to move on from that now, I refuse to let it continue destroying me, I am stronger than that.
I thought so much of you T, I trusted you, I respected your opinion and I considered you one of my best friends. After what you did, I spent so long wanting revenge, I wanted you to suffer the way that I had, I wanted to hurt you the way that I hurt and make you feel the way that I felt.
Then I realised, that seeing you suffer and hurt, would not take away what you did to me, it would not change what you did or change the way I felt. I have nothing to gain from seeing you suffer or hurt, it will not help me in any way shape or form, and it is only now that I have realised that in my heart I have already forgiven you. And now I am saying it directly to you T, I forgive you. But I will not allow you to remain in my thoughts and in my life any longer.
This probably means nothing to you, and I don't expect it too, you have probably forgotten all about me and what happened that day.
I'm preparedfor any repercussions from sending this, in fact I don't think you could hurt me anymore than you already have anyway. I just needed to get it all off my chest, and I needed you to see what you had done to me, how you had hurt me.
I thought the world of you, yet you had to prove how little you thought of me, you had to hurt me in the worst possible way a woman can hurt.
But I also want to Thank you T, for making me realise how strong I am, I am strong enough to deal with what happened and brave enough it confront it and move on.
I'm finished now, I've said my piece. Goodbye
Erica Davenport
So there it was, my soul laid bare to a person who had betrayed my trust in the worst possible way, I remember hitting send so quickly, before I had chance to waver, before I had chance to back out of my decision to confront T, although this hadn't just become a confrontation so much as an act of forgiveness at the same time, because I'd finally realised that revenge would not take away my pain, it would never erase the memories so therefore no good could come from that.
I felt utterly sick after sending that message, I didn't know what would be worse? A reply full of denial - just like he'd done 9 years earlier, a reply full of anger from him for bringing up the past, or simply no reply at all?
I didn't actually have long to find out, because the following morning as I opened Facebook I saw I had one inbox message, my heart stopped, in fact time stopped, I froze when I realised T had replied. I was horrified, was I brave enough to open it and read his reply? Could I face what the contents might hold? Was I really, truly strong enough to face the demon head on and deal with the possible aftermath?
Just as I shared my initial message to T, I want to share his reply also, word for word, copied straight from the original message itself.
i have been waiting 10 years to hear that. i didnt realise it had been so long. No need to worry about repercussions becase i needed to hear that as much as you needed to say it. i dont think there has been a day gone by that i havent had to deal with the repercussions of my own actions. im sorry i was that person, i am sorry that i broke your trust. I have tried to do anything humanly possible to forget the guilt of things that i have done in my life. Its just not possible and will always be a weight that i carry. Only my spiritual beleifs have kept me sane and i know in my heart that wrongs will be righted and that one day everybodys life can be returned to balance. I hope that one day you will find your balance and that telling me what you have has helped you take a step closer. I will spend the rest of my life seeking my balance.
I wish you all the best in your life
So there it was, finally after almost 10 years, an acknowledgment of what T had done, an admission of sorts and an apology for hurting me the way he did, in fact what seemed to be a genuine, heartfelt apology at that.
I wasn't sure how to feel at that point, though the realisation suddenly hit me that 2 lives had been destroyed that day, mine, and his. And although he was never lawfully punished for what he did to me, it appeared that he had spent the last 10 years punishing himself with guilt, probably in much of the same way that I had been doing the same.
So I had finally confronted one of my demons, and despite being one of the scariest things I'd tried to do it had also brought me a strange sense of calm too. In a way I'd won, he'd admitted his guilt, shown remorse and apologised, but would this finally make me feel better?
There are many demons in my life, in my head and in my thoughts, many things that I am often too afraid to face head on. So instead I choose to bury them, build great walls around them to stop them escaping and wreaking havoc inside my head.
Not that it seemed to work that well, I was my own worst enemy for that, the walls served only to keep other people out, they never actually served their purpose to protect me from the demons lurking within, they, apparently had free reign over me.
I always wondered what would happen if I was ever strong enough to confront them, if I ever met them face to face, I guess if I ever thought about confronting my demons then that was it! See in my head that scenario played quite well, I was strong and assertive, demanding answers and making them realise exactly what they had done.
However the reality of that was entirely different altogether, you see, on the few occasions where I managed to find myself in a position where I was in close enough proximity to confront any of them, this is what I did - I hid.
There was no confrontation, no demands for answers, no strong, assertive Erica who made them feel as small they'd made me feel. Nope. The reality was, I ran away and I hid. My big brave persona crumpled like a trodden leaf in autumn. I hated the way I reacted, but in reality I found I just could not look into those eyes yet still maintain any of my senses at the same time. I had failed, in fact I hadn't, because I hadn't even really tried other than accidentally bumping into one of them in the street.
So the demons remained, they lived on inside my mind, torturing me slowly with memories, a simple taste, a simple touch and BAM!!!! Transported back there in an instant to relive my nightmares over and over again. Yet each time it became harder to get back to the present again, each time it took longer to recover from the flashbacks. I was sinking, and I was sinking fast. Question was, was I prepared to give up without a fight and allow my self to sink into despair because of what they'd done?
Confrontation seemed to be the answer, I needed, craved, some kind of release, some form of answers to the million questions burning into my brain. I needed them to acknowledge my pain in some way and decided that T was the safest of the 3 to confront, especially since it had just been brought to my attention that he was using Facebook and apparently we had mutual friends in common.
Imagine my horror as I loaded my facebook page one day only to be confronted by both of our pictures side by side telling me we had several friends in common! After fighting the urge to delete every mutual friend we shared I instead decided this was how I was going to confront T.
There would be no face to face, I simply wasn't strong or brave enough to face my demons so directly. Instead a simple message would suffice - a message I have decided to share here.
Dear T
I bet you never expected to hear from me after nine and a half years? Well there were some things that I needed to say to you, maybe then I can move on from the past.
I wish that I could go back and erase that saturday afternoon, May 23rd 1998. But that day, when you were unbuttoning my jeans and having sex with me, and you ignored me when I told you "Don't", you almost ruined my life, you destroyed my trust and took my dignity. It took years for me to trust again.
But I don't think that you even realised what had happened that day. I don't think you thought it was that big of a deal.
You approached me in the Arrowe Park Hotel one night and told me that you were sorry, and that you shouldn't have done what you did, that you loved me. You never loved me T, because if you did you would have respected my wishes when I asked you to stop.
What you did has a name T, it's called Rape, it's a criminal offence and it destroys lives, I should know since it almost destroyed mine. But I need to move on from that now, I refuse to let it continue destroying me, I am stronger than that.
I thought so much of you T, I trusted you, I respected your opinion and I considered you one of my best friends. After what you did, I spent so long wanting revenge, I wanted you to suffer the way that I had, I wanted to hurt you the way that I hurt and make you feel the way that I felt.
Then I realised, that seeing you suffer and hurt, would not take away what you did to me, it would not change what you did or change the way I felt. I have nothing to gain from seeing you suffer or hurt, it will not help me in any way shape or form, and it is only now that I have realised that in my heart I have already forgiven you. And now I am saying it directly to you T, I forgive you. But I will not allow you to remain in my thoughts and in my life any longer.
This probably means nothing to you, and I don't expect it too, you have probably forgotten all about me and what happened that day.
I'm preparedfor any repercussions from sending this, in fact I don't think you could hurt me anymore than you already have anyway. I just needed to get it all off my chest, and I needed you to see what you had done to me, how you had hurt me.
I thought the world of you, yet you had to prove how little you thought of me, you had to hurt me in the worst possible way a woman can hurt.
But I also want to Thank you T, for making me realise how strong I am, I am strong enough to deal with what happened and brave enough it confront it and move on.
I'm finished now, I've said my piece. Goodbye
Erica Davenport
So there it was, my soul laid bare to a person who had betrayed my trust in the worst possible way, I remember hitting send so quickly, before I had chance to waver, before I had chance to back out of my decision to confront T, although this hadn't just become a confrontation so much as an act of forgiveness at the same time, because I'd finally realised that revenge would not take away my pain, it would never erase the memories so therefore no good could come from that.
I felt utterly sick after sending that message, I didn't know what would be worse? A reply full of denial - just like he'd done 9 years earlier, a reply full of anger from him for bringing up the past, or simply no reply at all?
I didn't actually have long to find out, because the following morning as I opened Facebook I saw I had one inbox message, my heart stopped, in fact time stopped, I froze when I realised T had replied. I was horrified, was I brave enough to open it and read his reply? Could I face what the contents might hold? Was I really, truly strong enough to face the demon head on and deal with the possible aftermath?
Just as I shared my initial message to T, I want to share his reply also, word for word, copied straight from the original message itself.
i have been waiting 10 years to hear that. i didnt realise it had been so long. No need to worry about repercussions becase i needed to hear that as much as you needed to say it. i dont think there has been a day gone by that i havent had to deal with the repercussions of my own actions. im sorry i was that person, i am sorry that i broke your trust. I have tried to do anything humanly possible to forget the guilt of things that i have done in my life. Its just not possible and will always be a weight that i carry. Only my spiritual beleifs have kept me sane and i know in my heart that wrongs will be righted and that one day everybodys life can be returned to balance. I hope that one day you will find your balance and that telling me what you have has helped you take a step closer. I will spend the rest of my life seeking my balance.
I wish you all the best in your life
So there it was, finally after almost 10 years, an acknowledgment of what T had done, an admission of sorts and an apology for hurting me the way he did, in fact what seemed to be a genuine, heartfelt apology at that.
I wasn't sure how to feel at that point, though the realisation suddenly hit me that 2 lives had been destroyed that day, mine, and his. And although he was never lawfully punished for what he did to me, it appeared that he had spent the last 10 years punishing himself with guilt, probably in much of the same way that I had been doing the same.
So I had finally confronted one of my demons, and despite being one of the scariest things I'd tried to do it had also brought me a strange sense of calm too. In a way I'd won, he'd admitted his guilt, shown remorse and apologised, but would this finally make me feel better?
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