Dear 15 year old me,
Please be careful, you've fallen head over heels this time, he knows exactly what to say to you, he appeals to your sensitive side, he listens to you, he cares for you, he knows how to make you do what he wants without you even realising. He's going to break your heart, he will act like he loves you, he will let you fall in love with him, then he will leave you for your best friend. He will also abuse your trust, just remember that you do NOT have to do anything that you're not comfortable with. Always remember this, it's your body, you CAN say no, just because S didn't listen to you, it doesn't mean no one else will. You have to have confidence in yourself, learn to trust your instincts, and when something feels wrong, or you are not comfortable, don't stay silent and pretend it's all ok, please speak out, tell him you don't want to do that. Don't let him make you do things you don't want to do, and please, please, don't ever feel like you do not have the choice, you can ALWAYS say no.
Dear 16 year old me,
I know that you are hurting right now, you love him, and I know you'll do anything for him to love you again. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you will be ok, you don't need C, you just don't realise this yet. What I say will probably hurt, but I need to say this, he is NOT going to come back to you, instead of holding onto the hope that he will change his mind and come crawling back, you just need to start moving on. Concentrate on yourself, take some time to build your confidence, your self esteem, learn to love yourself, I know you won't believe me, but there is so much about you to love, you just need to open your mind and realise it. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
There's going to be a Saturday afternoon very soon, you'll spend it with a few friends and T, you should go home when they do, don't stay with T after they leave, you won't understand why now, you will have no qualms about your safety that afternoon, in fact it won't even enter your head to even think about it, but it should, and you should be careful.
I know you've never been scared of him, he's one of your best friends, you trust him implicitly, and when things start to cross the line of friendship you won't question it, but you should, don't even cross that line this time. I know you're saying that you can trust him, and I know I'm probably confusing you, you think I'm being silly, but remember, I have hindsight, I know what he's going to do to you.
You can defend him all you like, I know you believe that even if you ask him to stop, then he would, if you said no, that he would respect you, if you change your mind he will listen to you. I know you don't think he's that kind of person, he's kind and gentle, you tell him everything and he's so caring and understanding, he would never hurt you. But he does, he will, and I don't know what changes in him on that day, I wish I could give you those answers, but when you ask him to stop he isn't going to listen to you.
At this moment in time, you won't even begin to imagine the trauma that this is going to cause you, because he isn't violent, there's no fight, why should it even be this traumatic? People won't realise what has happened to you, and that is going to be so confusing to you, you won't be able to comprehend or understand how they cannot see how different you are. But the only changes will be inside of you, your spirit will be broken, your trust destroyed, you will feel betrayed on the deepest level possible, but not a single person will realise the turmoil bubbling around inside you. It's going to hurt, the fact that no one will notice, and yet you will feel so different inside, it will be scary, and confusing, you will feel overwhelmed and bewildered. Please don't wait a week to tell someone, I want to tell you not to drink either, but I know the only reason you tell someone is because you are drunk, it just gives the police reason to believe you're just a drama queen that's all. Oh yeah, sorry, you will be forced to report this to the police, I know that feels scary, it's going to be hellish, I won't pretend it isn't, but just be brave, stay strong, tell the truth, that is all you can do. I wish I could come back and hug you, protect you, and tell you how brave and amazing you are, this is going to be one of the hardest things you will have to survive, but you do it. If you didn't do it, this letter wouldn't exist, I wouldn't exist to be able to write this. Surviving is one of the most important things you do, not giving up, not giving in, you have strength and determination that right now you don't even know exist inside you, but they are there, and they are what will carry you through the next 19 years. I wish I could change what is going to happen, but I can't, you just need to ride out this storm as best you can, I know you can do it, you just need to believe that you can do it. Just follow the lighthouse, it's light will guide you through the storm, and one day, I hope you realise that the light from the lighthouse is actually coming from within yourself. You got this, now go shine x
Dear 17 year old me,
Tonight will change your life, please listen to what I have to say to you. The things that will happen to you after this picture is taken, well, they're going to completely turn your world upside down. I'm so sorry. It's going to hurt, it will be harder than you ever imagine to fight through this storm, but I want to tell you that you can, and you will come through this. You will survive what happens later on that night.
You've already been through so much anyway, you've already been hurt in ways you thought only ever happened on the tv and in the news, but you are dealing with that. Not very well at the moment, but the only way you know how to, and that's ok, because you survive. You survived that, and you will survive this too.
If I could give you any advice tonight, I would tell you to stop drinking, don't accept drink off ANYONE, not even people you think you can trust, go home, don't insist that you are going to go back out tonight, go home, don't fight it, home is the safest place for you tonight, please believe that, but most of all, please know that what happens now is not in any way, shape or form, your fault, you are NOT to blame.
I wish I could do more to keep you safe tonight. X
