You see, I've spent around 15 years, desperately trying to get back the girl I was, the girl I was before I was raped.
desperately trying to remember that girl, find that girl inside me and be that girl again, then constantly punishing and belittling myself for not being able to achieve that goal.
In all the time I was searching for who I once was, I forgot to embrace who I was now becoming, I forgot to nurture and care for that person in order to be the best I could be. I forgot to appreciate the person that was developing out of the trauma, instead, she was forgotten about, pushed to the side whilst I searched endlessly to find the person I was before.
This constant belief that if I could just remember who I was, what I was, that I could be that girl again and everything would be healed. Never realising that she was gone forever, nothing but a memory anymore, being raped destroyed her, broke her into so many pieces it was impossible to fix.
What I didn't realise, was that while I was so desperately trying collect those broken shards of myself, I was only hurting myself further. I didn't notice at the time, that a new self was appearing, rising from the broken parts, not the same person as before, changed by the trauma, changed by the rape, but a person nonetheless.
Instead I spent 15 years hopelessly searching for and trying to fix my broken self, that I completely ignored the new self, not giving her time of day, refusing to listen to her, neglecting her and treating her like an outcast, constantly making her feel worthless.
I punished her so much for not being the same as she once was that now she believes that she is hopeless, worthless, useless, she believes she is dirty and good for nothing, a burden on society and those she loves.
Her only crime - not being the same person she was before she was raped.
Maybe it's time to undo the hurt I've caused, to stop searching for who I was and instead learn to embrace who I am, who I am now, NOT who I was THEN.
Yes I've changed, yes I'm different, I look at the world through different eyes now because I've experienced things that no person should ever experience, and those things changed my perspective, not just on life, but on everything, myself, the world in which I live and all those around me.
The hardest part is learning to love and respect, listen to and nurture this person I've spent 15 years persecuting just for existing. Maybe one day she will forgive me for my mistakes and believe her true worth in the world.
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