If you could write a letter to yourself, what would you say? Would you write just one letter, more than one, what would be your reasons for writing to yourself?
I would probably write several letters to myself, spanning several times in my life during which significant events took place, my purpose would be to reassure myself, and to try to convince myself not to act in certain ways or do certain things, not to influence or alter events as such, but to try to influence how I react to events and their aftermath instead.
Dear 14 year old me,
Your boyfriend is not worth your time, you might feel special now, it might seem cool to have the 'older guy', yes your friends are jealous, he has declared his love for you in public places via graffiti, and all the girls in school are talking about this, it feels great now, but it won't last.
He's going to hurt you, you won't even understand or realise at the time what he is actually doing to you, it will only become clear months and months later, and by then you will feel like it's too late to tell anyone. It isn't! Talk about it, talk to someone you trust, find yourself someone who you can trust, an adult, someone who can help you to understand that what he did is not ok, it isn't just you being a freak like he told you.
He won't stop at you either, you have the chance to protect your friend, you don't know it yet, but he is going to hurt her too. Please be brave, please talk to someone about how 'odd' you feel for not enjoying it, because only then will you realise and understand that he raped you, you are NOT odd, he coerced you into doing something you didn't want to, he made you feel bad, he made you feel like you were in the wrong. Please don't keep this uneasy feeling inside you, it will eat you up without you even realising. Talk to someone. Don't pretend you are ok, you're not, but if you talk about it, you will be. X
Dear 14 year old me,
Put the blade down, put in back into your pencil sharpener, go do something else, talk to someone about the urges you are having. Dragging that blade across your skin and making yourself bleed will NOT help you. It might relieve your symptoms temporarily, but it will leave you miserable, it will draw you in, it will make you feel like you can never stop doing this. You will NEED to cut, you will feel like you're going to explode if you don't cut, but there are better, safer ways of coping with all the pain you are feeling inside. You haven't discovered google yet, and social media hasn't even been dreamed up yet, so it is so much scarier trying to get the support you need. Talk to that teacher you trust, tell her what you want to do, tell her why you feel this way, don't be scared of people thinking you're a freak, you're NOT, self harm is more common than you realise, it's just that no one is really aware of it yet, and the stigma that surrounds it at this point will change as you grow up.
I know you don't realise it yet, but that first cut, it will lead on to another, and another, you will need to cut more and more, deeper, bigger, each time you will promise yourself that this is the last time, you won't do it again any more, but you will still be struggling with these compulsions 21 years later. So please, don't do for the first time, don't add this to your list, talk to someone instead. Please don't be scared to talk, talking about this with someone you trust might just stop you travelling a 21 year path of self destruction. X
Dear 14 year old me,
You are so confused aren't you, he's attractive, and most of all, his wheel chair makes him safe, he can't hurt you physically if he's in a wheelchair can he? You're going to fall in love with him, let yourself fall, embrace his friendship, cherish his company, he's a good person, he has a kind heart and he will treat you with respect, the way you deserve to be treated. You're going to discover something devastating about him,he is dying, the condition that caused him to be wheelchair bound is terminal, he is going to die, and you will believe he won't live past his teenage years. Don't run away from him and his condition, he is actually going to go on and live for around a further 12 years, you just won't know this yet. It will be scary seeing him in hospital, the tubes, the oxygen, watching him struggle to breathe, it's going to crush you, in fact this will be the reason you end the relationship. Don't be so hasty, he has so much more to offer still, don't give up on him, let yourself love him, let him love you, you have the chance to be happy with him, please don't run away scared. You need him more than you realise right now. X
Friday, 31 March 2017
Friday, 10 March 2017
Dear Lucy
Dear Lucy,
I hope you don't mind me writing this?! Sorry I had to do that! Let me get started though, I'm not actually sure why I'm putting this down on paper to you instead of some of my family, or friends, but I think knowing that you've battled yourself, yet still come through the storm, makes me feel like you would kind of understand. Not that I'm under any impression that you would ever get to read this anyway because the only place it will probably end up is on my blog, but I guess there's still that tiny remote chance, so I'll just carry on writing to you and getting my thoughts out anyway.
I think it's your lyrics that make me feel like you would understand what's going through my head, because when I listen to your music, I can feel the emotion, the confusion, the passion and the feelings that you're trying to express, it feels like you're speaking directly to me, singing about my life almost. You know what it's like to feel the way I'm feeling, to feel totally bewildered, overwhelmed, exhausted by life, but to keep going on regardless, to brave the storm, even when you feel like you'll never find the rainbow on the other side. For you, Steve, is what pulled you through, and G of course, but the motorway story with Steve, that's what gets me. My kids to me, are what Steve is to you, I could not do that to them, how could I leave 2 beautiful daughters behind, wondering why I couldn't, or wouldn't fight for them. But wow, oh how the fight is beginning to exhaust me, constantly battling with my own mind on a daily, no, on an hourly basis. You see, the thing with anxiety and depression, is that they overwhelm you, and they totally skew your thought process, they make you believe things that aren't necessarily true, and this then makes you feel even worse about everything. The little nagging voices, constantly belittling you, telling you you're not good enough, that no one cares about you, you begin to believe them, to listen to them, you begin believing that you don't deserve to be loved, that no one even cares for you. It can be so crippling that train of thought though, and it totally overwhelms your life, every aspect of it, and that's when the anxiety kicks in too.
I just wish that I could flick a switch and switch those thoughts and feelings off for a little while. I want to ask you if it ever gets better, but look at you now Lucy, you're doing amazing, and I know that I can find the confidence and the bubbly personality inside me again - I found it once before, so I know it's there, I just don't know how to find it again. That's what I wanted to ask you the other day, how did you beat anxiety and depression? But how can you ask such personal questions in front of so many people you don't know, I know I couldn't, sometimes I can't even put my thoughts into words for the people I'm closest too!
Writing is normally so much easier for me, everything just flows out naturally when I pick up a pen, it's like turning on a tap to my mind, the words just pour out. Except at the moment they don't, I think because I'm finding it all so difficult lately, I feel like I will never get the clouds in my head to disperse.
Lucy the thought that I might have to deal with this for the rest of my life puts the fear of God in me, did you ever feel like maybe you weren't strong enough to fight this? I fought it once, I thought I'd won the war, I turned my life around completely, but then it turned out I'd only won one battle. Is this going to be my life now? Is that how it's always going to be forever? Just winning battle after battle, but never ever managing to win the war? I mean, do you ever still struggle in any way? What did you find helped you? I feel like I'm swimming in treacle at the moment, I'm exhausting myself by trying so hard, and yet failing to get anywhere.
I wish I knew the answers, or what to do for the best, but I'm not entirely sure that there even are answers, and it scares me that my life is just going to consist of battle after battle, fighting just to survive each day, and I wish that someone would just be able to tell me that it will be ok, I will survive, and one day I'll win the war.
I want to apologise for pouring this all out to you Lucy, but then I know you'll probably never even read this, so I'm not sure why I'd even be apologising to you, it just feels like I should because pouring your heart out to someone often feels like you're transferring your burden onto them, when in actual fact, the burden is yours alone to carry and not to pass on. So for that reason Lucy, I'm sorry for doing this, I just wasn't sure where else to reach out to, and I sometimes feel like people just wouldn't understand or care, or they wouldn't want to anyway.
Ka xx
I hope you don't mind me writing this?! Sorry I had to do that! Let me get started though, I'm not actually sure why I'm putting this down on paper to you instead of some of my family, or friends, but I think knowing that you've battled yourself, yet still come through the storm, makes me feel like you would kind of understand. Not that I'm under any impression that you would ever get to read this anyway because the only place it will probably end up is on my blog, but I guess there's still that tiny remote chance, so I'll just carry on writing to you and getting my thoughts out anyway.
I think it's your lyrics that make me feel like you would understand what's going through my head, because when I listen to your music, I can feel the emotion, the confusion, the passion and the feelings that you're trying to express, it feels like you're speaking directly to me, singing about my life almost. You know what it's like to feel the way I'm feeling, to feel totally bewildered, overwhelmed, exhausted by life, but to keep going on regardless, to brave the storm, even when you feel like you'll never find the rainbow on the other side. For you, Steve, is what pulled you through, and G of course, but the motorway story with Steve, that's what gets me. My kids to me, are what Steve is to you, I could not do that to them, how could I leave 2 beautiful daughters behind, wondering why I couldn't, or wouldn't fight for them. But wow, oh how the fight is beginning to exhaust me, constantly battling with my own mind on a daily, no, on an hourly basis. You see, the thing with anxiety and depression, is that they overwhelm you, and they totally skew your thought process, they make you believe things that aren't necessarily true, and this then makes you feel even worse about everything. The little nagging voices, constantly belittling you, telling you you're not good enough, that no one cares about you, you begin to believe them, to listen to them, you begin believing that you don't deserve to be loved, that no one even cares for you. It can be so crippling that train of thought though, and it totally overwhelms your life, every aspect of it, and that's when the anxiety kicks in too.
I just wish that I could flick a switch and switch those thoughts and feelings off for a little while. I want to ask you if it ever gets better, but look at you now Lucy, you're doing amazing, and I know that I can find the confidence and the bubbly personality inside me again - I found it once before, so I know it's there, I just don't know how to find it again. That's what I wanted to ask you the other day, how did you beat anxiety and depression? But how can you ask such personal questions in front of so many people you don't know, I know I couldn't, sometimes I can't even put my thoughts into words for the people I'm closest too!
Writing is normally so much easier for me, everything just flows out naturally when I pick up a pen, it's like turning on a tap to my mind, the words just pour out. Except at the moment they don't, I think because I'm finding it all so difficult lately, I feel like I will never get the clouds in my head to disperse.
Lucy the thought that I might have to deal with this for the rest of my life puts the fear of God in me, did you ever feel like maybe you weren't strong enough to fight this? I fought it once, I thought I'd won the war, I turned my life around completely, but then it turned out I'd only won one battle. Is this going to be my life now? Is that how it's always going to be forever? Just winning battle after battle, but never ever managing to win the war? I mean, do you ever still struggle in any way? What did you find helped you? I feel like I'm swimming in treacle at the moment, I'm exhausting myself by trying so hard, and yet failing to get anywhere.
I wish I knew the answers, or what to do for the best, but I'm not entirely sure that there even are answers, and it scares me that my life is just going to consist of battle after battle, fighting just to survive each day, and I wish that someone would just be able to tell me that it will be ok, I will survive, and one day I'll win the war.
I want to apologise for pouring this all out to you Lucy, but then I know you'll probably never even read this, so I'm not sure why I'd even be apologising to you, it just feels like I should because pouring your heart out to someone often feels like you're transferring your burden onto them, when in actual fact, the burden is yours alone to carry and not to pass on. So for that reason Lucy, I'm sorry for doing this, I just wasn't sure where else to reach out to, and I sometimes feel like people just wouldn't understand or care, or they wouldn't want to anyway.
Ka xx
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