Reflection on 2015

2015 has genuinely been a really good year for me! 

We've made so many memories as a family!! Trips to the circus, a concert, Dylan Evans tour, fairytale in the woods, a magical experience, Blackpool illuminations, road trips, camping trips, meals out, new pets, amazing friends, new family members and bonds formed to last a lifetime. 

This year has changed my life, it's been the year that I knew I was stronger than ever, I've been able to help others I hope through my own experiences, I've been strong enough to finally begin the battle with my weight and I hope 2016 is the year I finally get my life back, I plan on ending 2016 as half the woman I was when I entered it, all the love, all the personality, twice the confidence but half the size ;-) . 

This year has been amazing, our family bonds were tested to their limits but bounced back deeper and stronger than ever, the smiles were wide, the laughs were loud, the memories have been unforgettable and the moments to be cherished. 

I want 2016 to be the year I push my boundaries further than ever, over the past few years, I've stepped out of my comfort zone, I've learned to love myself, I've learned how to be positive, I've fought depression and won, I'm a better person than I was a few years ago!

So this year I will push my boundaries even further, I want to try new things, read new books, travel to new places, learn new skills, maybe find something new to study, develop my writing skills, and reach out to others. This year is going to be amazing!! I know this already because life is only what you make of it and I plan to make it amazing!!!!

A special person?

Do you have someone in your life who means a lot to you? When did you realise how important this person was to you? Are they aware of how much they mean to you? How have they affected your life?

For me, I realised early on that you were special, there was just something about you that drew me in, something caring and nurturing in your ways and mannerisms, you're softly spoken, yet engage undivided attention from a room full of people. 

I remember approaching you, asking if I could share something with you, all my instincts were telling me that I could trust you and that you wouldn't judge me for how I felt or what I'd experienced. I was right, and what should probably have been a simple background explanation of some issues I was facing in the run up to our wedding, seemed to quickly grow into a friendship and trusting relationship rather than the professional relationship we began with. 

Out of everyone I know in my life, besides my husband, you are the easiest person I know to talk to about anything and everything, if something goes wrong, you're the first person I think of to turn to, when something nice happens you're the first person I want to share it with, when I have a problem you're the first person I look to for advice. You've become like a second mum to me over the years that I've known you. 

Who else would listen to my ramblings for hours, never judging, never turning me away when I reached out, just listening, so carefully, that I genuinely felt like I mattered again. Who else would give their time so freely, would take me to an empty church and then just be there with me, while I battled with my inner demons. Who else would give me such honest advice, even when it wasn't what I wanted to hear but you knew it was what I needed to hear. 

I believe in fate and I believe that God works in mysterious ways, I believe that I was meant to meet you, because if I hadn't I really don't think I'd be sitting here writing this. Of course, you never judged me when I told you I wanted to die, you just told me how wonderful and important I am, how brave I am, how beautiful I am. At first, I didn't believe you, I couldn't see myself the way you seemed to see me, I didn't recognise the qualities in me that you always pointed out and yet with unwavering faith in me, you simply continued to tell me how wonderful I am, rather than giving up on me. 

When I was pregnant with Eve, I knew right away that I wanted you to be her Godmother, I couldn't imagine anyone better to guide my unborn child in faith. She's a lucky girl to have you in her life, she might not understand why while she is so young, but hopefully as she grows, she will come to realise all the amazing qualities in you that I have. 

I mean, where would I be today without your guidance, your advice, your care, and nurturing ways? I'd probably have self combusted many years ago. Instead though, with somewhere safe to turn, someone safe to talk to, someone wise to guide me. I found a better direction, I fought demons and won, I fought battles and I won, I realised that I wasn't as weak and worthless as I'd always believed, I learnt to trust myself again and to trust my judgements, I wasn't always going to be right, but from you, I learnt that even when I was wrong or made mistakes, I had somewhere safe to land while I got back to my feet and I started again. 

I hope, that even when you're miles away, I will still feel as close to you as I do now, you really are one of the most influential and important people in my life. You changed me for the better, in ways you may never even realise and I feel genuinely blessed to know you, to have you in my life and to count you among my friends. 

Trauma?

Have you ever felt so much internal discord or inner turmoil that you are shocked to find that other people around you actually don't notice anything different about you? Like, you're feeling so much conflict internally that you are sure it must be obvious to people who see you, only to realise, to your shock, that they're completely unaware as to your inner battles and demons. 

I remember back to when T raped me, and I was walking home that day, I felt so sure that everyone who saw me must know exactly what had happened to me that day. It was as though I had undergone this massive change, I felt so different, and it confused me that everyone around me seemed completely unaware of what had changed. I couldn't understand how no one could tell, how everyone else around me just carried on as though nothing in life was any different, when in fact, I felt as though my entire existence had been shaken to the core. Everything felt wrong to me, I had no idea how to react to anything, and I was desperate for somebody, anybody, to realise what I was going through. Except nobody did, because apparently I was the only one aware of the dramatic changes I felt within me. 

Eventually I learned how to deal with the way my life had changed, although mostly it involved denial and avoidance. Denying that it had happened or was real and avoiding any thoughts related to rape or any feelings that came up. 

It had taken me 15 years and so much hard work and therapy and counselling to get myself to a place where I finally felt like I would be OK, I'd realised that I was enough, I'd learned that not only was I able to like myself, I could actually love myself too, for the first time in my life I felt content, I felt positive and I loved being me. 

Move on to today, I'm currently back in therapy, for an unrelated issue. I'm working on my anxiety levels when I'm a passenger in a vehicle, as a result of a car accident I was involved in over a year ago; I have a tendency to panic when other vehicles come near to ours. It would seem though, that the car crash trauma actually runs much deeper than I ever anticipated, and that in fact the trauma from all those years ago when I was raped, is still festering away deep inside me, and even though I can talk about what happened to me more openly than I have ever been able to, I had disconnected myself from the emotions and feelings related to that time of my life. It's only been through talking about these things in session that I have begun to realise how the trauma of being raped has continued to affect me in ways that I wasn't even aware of anymore, because without realising, I had disconnected from that part of my life in order to avoid feeling the distress it brought me. 

But now I'm learning that I need to feel the distress, experience it, and realise that it cannot hurt me any more. Because by avoiding it and disconnecting from it, I am simply reinforcing the trauma over and over, making it something to fear, and ensuring that it is something I will continue to carry with me until I learn to face it and desensitise myself to it. 

That is how, it seems to me, that I've come full circle, I suddenly find myself at a great place in my life, feeling positive, blessed and truly grateful, yet right on the brink of dragging up some pretty distressing and traumatic events and wondering to myself how all the people around me cannot see the inner turmoil that I am suddenly facing? How can nobody tell there is so much conflict swirling about inside me, so much distress just bubbling away right below the surface. How can no one hear my voice crack the way that I can when I try to speak, can no one sense just how close to crying I am on a permanent basis at the moment, do they not see how inside I'm screaming out, they can't tell that everything in me is just desperate to be held, to be hugged, to be comforted. On the outside I look exactly the same, I carry on with my life as I always have, I just wish that someone would realise what was going on inside.