I've spent a few years coming to terms with my past and being raped, learning to love myself, learning self-confidence, learning to be comfortable in my own skin. It hasn't been an easy journey, but it has been invaluable for me.
Just a few years ago I was literally at rock bottom, I was suicidal, I hated myself, I hated life, I didn't want to carry on that way any more. I began to make changes because I knew if I didn't I wouldn't survive, if I didn't survive then the rapists had won, they had ruined many lives not just mine. I knew I had to survive for my family if not for myself.
I went through many many hours of CBT exercises, and talking therapy, I finally learned to speak out about what had happened, breaking the silence was the turn around. In learning that I was never to blame, I was able to let go of the guilt, of the shame I'd been carrying for so many years. Only in letting go of those things was I able to learn that I deserved to love myself, and I started to realise that I wasn't a bad person. The more I believed in myself, the more I found to love, the more I found to be positive about, and I suddenly realised that life is actually pretty amazing and I deserve to enjoy every second of it.
Tackling my weight was my next big hurdle, I had always used my weight as a safety blanket, believing that if I was fat then I wouldn't risk getting raped again. It was the biggest psychological barrier that I've had to overcome and I wasn't sure if I would be able to do it, but I had to try.
I joined slimming world, and I learned to 'breeze' life as I was loosing weight.
Nearly 9 months later and I'm now 8stone 4 lb lighter, I've always smiled and I've learned to embrace my self confidence, rejoicing in every lb I shed and feeling proud of the progress I'm making.
The past 9 months have been harder, than I've ever let on to anyone though, you see the genuine smiles I wear, the joy I exude, the confidence that suddenly oozes from me now, you see someone who is happy, loves life and is positive and bouncy every day. I've been told I'm an inspiration, that I sparkle now, that I'm a completely different person these days.
All that is still true, but what you don't see is that this journey is actually far more difficult that you even know, you don't see the occasional self-doubt creep in, you don't see the fear that returns momentarily, you don't see all this because I choose not to let it show. I know that fear and self doubt won't inspire others, and I am so proud that people find me inspirational, I am still learning to embrace this, and I don't want to let people down. You see I'm still learning, being positive, being confident, it's all so new to me, I've never felt this way before so I don't know how to react sometimes to certain situations, I'm winging it, I'm not used to this attention but I'm thriving on it instead of hiding from it. I've also learned to let my worries out in other ways without offloading them on other people because I now understand that as soon as I let negativity in, it breeds and tries to take over. So instead of allowing the self-doubt to take over, I simply overpower it with positive thoughts and positive actions. If you can always find just one thing in every day to be happy about, to be grateful for, to be thankful for, you will find that happiness comes to you and the more you seek, the more you will find.
What I'm trying to tell you, is that no matter how happy and confident people appear, they might be fighting battles that you have no idea about, never judge someone, and always be kind. X
