Fear of the dark.

I was scared of the dark as a child, I don't remember when it started, or even why I was afraid. I've been told things by my mum as an adult that would cause me to wonder if maybe they're behind my fear of the dark. As a child I saw my dad hit my mum at night and told him I would phone the police on him for being a bad man. Another time I was hysterical and told my mum that something had pinned me down on the floor so I couldn't move or get away. I have no actual memories or recollections of these incidents taking place, but I know my mum would not make them up, so I don't know if maybe I've suppressed the memories as they scared me and that's why I can't remember?

I've always remembered hating the dark, I maybe didn't fear it as much when I was younger as I do now, but as you get older you develop a heightened awareness of all the things that could potentially go wrong. I've just always felt more comfortable and safe with the light on. Realistically, as an adult, I know that most of the things that I fear about the dark are completely irrational, characters from horror films do not exist, nor are they likely to be waiting for me in my own home once the lights go out. Yet these are the thoughts and fears that race through my mind as I turn off the lights. There's a tiny part of me, that actually wants to be killed by these imaginary fears, I've always believed that death would be my only real escape from the aftermath of being raped and the issues that surround it. Since I know in my heart, that I am not strong enough to take my own life, then maybe the escape would be easier if someone else took it for me. 

It's so confusing though, because as much as I want to die, I want just as much, to live. The only memory I have from when M raped me is of the dark. I just remember it being so dark that I wasn't sure where I was or who I was with, I couldn't move my body and I wasn't sure why, I was confused and my head felt very foggy. I just remember the confusion I felt, the disorientation and the dark, it was so dark. If I wake up in a dark room my initial reaction is fear and panic until I realise where I am and that I'm safe. This fear and panic escalates if I've somehow managed to tangle myself in the sheets or duvet and I find that I'm struggling to move as that takes me back to that night when I was raped. 

I even hate the silence, it's suffocating when it is so quiet, my thoughts race, I find myself thinking about how they hurt me, how they made me feel, how they still make me feel, how stupid I feel for carrying this with me for so many years. If you throw the dark into that mix too, then my mind goes into overdrive, every shadow, every noise, I imagine something bad happening and I wonder if I would actually be able to survive another attack? How I've survived up to now is actually beyond me. Sometimes I just think it would have been easier if they had just killed me when they raped me. I can't ever imagine a time when it doesn't hurt like it does now. If I live for another 30 years then that's 10,950 nights of racing in the dark to bed then laying there in the silent darkness with my heart pounding, thoughts racing, desperately trying to fall asleep. The very thought fills me with dread, and that's without even the possibility of seeing them on the street, at the shops, the school, or anywhere else I might go. 

Fear and Trust

Young children seem to fear very little, yet also seem to have an innate ability to trust implicitly. 

Would this illustrate that fear levels in a person could be directly related to that persons ability to trust? In my opinion, people who have had their trust damaged in any way, seem to fear more because they trust less. These people are more likely to doubt or question themselves or the situation they are in, and it is these doubts that seem to lead to fear. 

Speaking to My husband about working on the new World Trade Centre, I know that I would be too scared to work that high up, but my husband is confident that it is perfectly safe because of the safety ropes. I would be so scared of the ropes breaking or failing in some way which shows that I have no trust in the ropes or the situation, despite having no reason what so ever not to trust them or to feel the way I do. 

I know that I do not trust easily, it does not come natural to me because I've been hurt too many times. I've trusted people only to have that trust destroyed in the blink of an eye. As a result I find that I tend to doubt and question everything. If someone pays me a compliment I will be wondering why they said that, what did they really mean, were they being nice or was it a way to make a sky dig at me. I read things into it that aren't actually there and I cannot simply trust the fact that a person might have just been being genuinely nice. I don't even trust myself to make the right judgements or decisions, I co stanly question if I am doing the right thing and will always seek a second opinion to hopefully back up my decision for me. 

Comparing my complete lack of trust or ability to trust, with the levels of fear I experience is what leads me to believe there is some direct relationship between the two. I am the person who simply cannot watch a horror film or hear a ghost story because it will play on my mind for months and even years afterwards. It will give me nightmares and strike fear through me even years later. I'm the girl that won't walk into a room if the light is off and the one who is too scared to turn the lights off as I leave a room. I'm the girl who is too scared to go out alone after dark, who is terrified of what others think of her. My fear and anxiety levels are sky high on a permanent basis, could that be related to the fact that I struggle so hard to trust?