Reflection on 2013

So apparently 2011 and 2012 did their very best to break me, 2013 tried that little bit harder again and very almost succeeded!! Maybe now life will finally have realised that I cannot and will not be broken!! 

This year we had a holiday, the girls had a surprise birthday party, my sister got engaged, we discovered Buddhas and we made some pretty amazing friends too. 

Both of us have been on a journey to self discovery this year, the hubby has found himself enlightened, he's become more easy going, less tense, less snappy, an all round calmer and more placid person. 

I've had my own journey this year, I've been to rock bottom, I've found myself lower than I've ever felt before, believing the only way out was death and not caring how I achieved that goal. Thankfully I sought help, professional help before I managed to succeed in something awful and impossible to undo. 

I have faced my worst fears and I have come to realise and understand that I have the power within myself to be stronger and braver than I ever believed was possible, the biggest lesson I've learnt this year is that I am worthy and I am enough! I am worthy of love, the love others give to me and the love I'm learning to give myself too, and I am enough just the way I am, I am good enough, I am brave enough and I am strong enough to be the person I was always meant to be. I want to make 2014 my year, a year of self discovery, self love, self care and the year I finally get myself a puppy ;-) x

Repressed memories? May be graphic sorry.

So the other night I had a flashback. Flashbacks aren't anything new to me, I re-live being raped on pretty much a daily basis in one way or another. But Monday was different, it was different because the flashback I experienced then was a completely new memory to me, it was not something I was aware had happened the night that M raped me, it's not something I have ever remembered or been aware of before Monday, and its something that has left me feeling pretty shaken up and stunned. 

My first question - is this a genuine memory? Is this something that M actually did to me, something which I had somehow 'blocked out', refused to allow myself to remember in order to try to protect myself? Is that actually possible? 

Could my mind simply be playing cruel tricks on me? Creating fake memories somehow? 

The only way to explain this now is where it gets graphic and I'm still struggling to figure this out in my own head and I believe writing it down might be the only way to figure this all out. 

When I've been "assaulted" in the past it hasn't just been rape, I've been touched when I didn't want to be touched and been forced to do things I didn't want to do, which means that often these things are now big triggers for flashbacks for me. A certain touch, a taste, a smell, a certain sensation are all enough to send me straight back into the past to re-experience these things time and time again. That doesn't mean that every single time I do certain things I experience a flashback, I actually have no idea how it works, I have no control over the flashbacks so I don't know how to avoid them, I just have to endure them. 

There is one intimate experience that has never caused me distress because up until Monday I believed the only person who had ever done that to me is my husband and I felt safe knowing that it was one thing that we shared, that was his alone, it hadn't been tainted in any way by my past. Until Monday. 

I was suddenly rushed back to that night with M, except he was doing something to me that I'd never experienced before and I distinctly remember that I squirmed and I asked him to stop. It was all to real, and it completely crushed me because now I'm terrified that if the memory is real it will haunt me again and again every time we try to be intimate. 

It's also the first time I've been aware that I actually asked M to stop at any point that night. I had never been aware of telling him no because I was intoxicated, drink spiked, no memories etc, my big worry was that I'd agreed to what he did to me that night. Now I believe that I asked him to stop what he was doing. I'm still totally confused by this, if this is just a cruel trick them I'm simply back to where I started. If this is actually a real memory then how will it affect me now? How do I figure out if it's real or not? Where do I go from here? 

Random hopelessness

I'm meant to be working, I meant to be busy, but I find myself once again with that bubbling anger building up inside me. I hate that I have so little control over  my feelings, over my emotions, I'm meant to be getting better, when will that actually start though? I've been on meds for weeks now, but I don't feel the slightest bit different, the only thing that helped somewhat was the sleeping meds, but the anti-depressants don't seem to be doing much of anything. My life's just this crappy cycle of nothingness for most of the time. I wake up and I have to force myself to get out of bed every morning, I help the kids get ready for school, then, until the kids come back from school I mostly sit around lacking the motivation to go anywhere or do anything. It's the same day in, day out, I need to change my life but I don't have the motivation or inclination to change it, I'm at a point where I see that work don't need me, and my children, so long as they have their dad, also don't seem to need me. I feel like I'm just a burden to everyone, a miserable grump who's dragging my family down with my misery. They don't deserve to suffer, I shouldn't drag them down with me, but I don't know what else to do. Every day I think about taking the only way out that I can see available and every day I'm forced to dismiss the idea because I simply refuse to be the person who left their children that way. Every day I think about hurting myself because sometimes it feels like people will only understand physical wounds rather than the mental ones which I seem to suffering from. Every day I fight the urges to hurt myself in some way but then in doing so I only seem to feel more and more guilt instead because I'm making everyone around me suffer as a result of my moods and my feelings. I feel like no one will ever understand me and it's simply pointless me even trying to get them to understand. Life in general right now feels pretty pointless. I'm so angry with myself for letting this get the better of me. I don't know how much longer I can carry on the facade. I don't know where to find the will to live and the ability to fight my demons. Sometimes it just seems like it would be better to let them take me instead of trying to fight it any more. 

A letter to M

Dear M

I'm so annoyed with you today, so upset with myself because of you. I hate that I have given you so much power over me and I have no idea how I even begin to take it back. I hate that just seeing your picture can elicit such a strong physical response from me and I have no control over that and no idea how to prevent it. I hate the panic and fear that I experience when I see you in person, and I hate that I never know when or where that might happen. I hate the memory that bombards me when I see or think about you, like a video in my mind on continuous playback. I hate you so much for what you did, but most of all I hate me for not knowing how to deal with what you did, and for allowing this to build up then explode like a volcano disrupting my life constantly. 

I don't deserve to hurt like this, I never deserved to feel this way or to be hurt this way. You made me into a nervous wreck, constantly watching over my shoulder, constantly checking who is around me, constantly on high alert, checking my surroundings in case you might be there, it's draining, it's physically and it's mentally exhausting to feel and to act that way day in, day out. 

I don't want to feel like this anymore, I hate living this way, I hate that you turned me into a person that I hate so much, and I especially hate that I feel so much hate. It's poisonous, hate consumes you, you made me this way yet the way I feel, think or act have absolutely no impact on YOU or YOUR life - it only affects ME and MY life. I HATE YOU AND I HATE WHAT YOU DID AND I HATE HOW YOU MAKE ME FEEL ABOUT MYSELF. I have to change everything because of you, I have to deal with every tiny little feeling that you caused, and I hate that it's such a long and painful process because of you and what you did. But I have no choice, I have to figure this shit out because I refuse to let you take my life on top of everything else you've already taken. 

I wish I could make you see how much you've destroyed me and how hard it is to rebuild what you broke. I don't think you'll ever know, or care how you have affected me, but one day I will find the strength to take back that power I gave you, one day, not today, not tomorrow, but one day in the future I will hold that power again.  

Who am I?

Who am I? 

You see, I've spent around 15 years, desperately trying to get back the girl I was, the girl I was before I was raped.

desperately trying to remember that girl, find that girl inside me and be that girl again, then constantly punishing and belittling myself for not being able to achieve that goal. 

In all the time I was searching for who I once was, I forgot to embrace who I was now becoming, I forgot to nurture and care for that person in order to be the best I could be. I forgot to appreciate the person that was developing out of the trauma, instead, she was forgotten about, pushed to the side whilst I searched endlessly to find the person I was before. 

This constant belief that if I could just remember who I was, what I was, that I could be that girl again and everything would be healed. Never realising that she was gone forever, nothing but a memory anymore, being raped destroyed her, broke her into so many pieces it was impossible to fix. 

What I didn't realise, was that while I was so desperately trying collect those broken shards of myself, I was only hurting myself further. I didn't notice at the time, that a new self was appearing, rising from the broken parts, not the same person as before, changed by the trauma, changed by the rape, but a person nonetheless. 

Instead I spent 15 years hopelessly searching for and trying to fix my broken self, that I completely ignored the new self, not giving her time of day, refusing to listen to her, neglecting her and treating her like an outcast, constantly making her feel worthless. 

I punished her so much for not being the same as she once was that now she believes that she is hopeless, worthless, useless, she believes she is dirty and good for nothing, a burden on society and those she loves. 

Her only crime - not being the same person she was before she was raped. 

Maybe it's time to undo the hurt I've caused, to stop searching for who I was and instead learn to embrace who I am, who I am now, NOT who I was THEN. 

Yes I've changed, yes I'm different, I look at the world through different eyes now because I've experienced things that no person should ever experience, and those things changed my perspective, not just on life, but on everything, myself, the world in which I live and all those around me. 

The hardest part is learning to love and respect, listen to and nurture this person I've spent 15 years persecuting just for existing. Maybe one day she will forgive me for my mistakes and believe her true worth in the world. 

Fear of the dark.

I was scared of the dark as a child, I don't remember when it started, or even why I was afraid. I've been told things by my mum as an adult that would cause me to wonder if maybe they're behind my fear of the dark. As a child I saw my dad hit my mum at night and told him I would phone the police on him for being a bad man. Another time I was hysterical and told my mum that something had pinned me down on the floor so I couldn't move or get away. I have no actual memories or recollections of these incidents taking place, but I know my mum would not make them up, so I don't know if maybe I've suppressed the memories as they scared me and that's why I can't remember?

I've always remembered hating the dark, I maybe didn't fear it as much when I was younger as I do now, but as you get older you develop a heightened awareness of all the things that could potentially go wrong. I've just always felt more comfortable and safe with the light on. Realistically, as an adult, I know that most of the things that I fear about the dark are completely irrational, characters from horror films do not exist, nor are they likely to be waiting for me in my own home once the lights go out. Yet these are the thoughts and fears that race through my mind as I turn off the lights. There's a tiny part of me, that actually wants to be killed by these imaginary fears, I've always believed that death would be my only real escape from the aftermath of being raped and the issues that surround it. Since I know in my heart, that I am not strong enough to take my own life, then maybe the escape would be easier if someone else took it for me. 

It's so confusing though, because as much as I want to die, I want just as much, to live. The only memory I have from when M raped me is of the dark. I just remember it being so dark that I wasn't sure where I was or who I was with, I couldn't move my body and I wasn't sure why, I was confused and my head felt very foggy. I just remember the confusion I felt, the disorientation and the dark, it was so dark. If I wake up in a dark room my initial reaction is fear and panic until I realise where I am and that I'm safe. This fear and panic escalates if I've somehow managed to tangle myself in the sheets or duvet and I find that I'm struggling to move as that takes me back to that night when I was raped. 

I even hate the silence, it's suffocating when it is so quiet, my thoughts race, I find myself thinking about how they hurt me, how they made me feel, how they still make me feel, how stupid I feel for carrying this with me for so many years. If you throw the dark into that mix too, then my mind goes into overdrive, every shadow, every noise, I imagine something bad happening and I wonder if I would actually be able to survive another attack? How I've survived up to now is actually beyond me. Sometimes I just think it would have been easier if they had just killed me when they raped me. I can't ever imagine a time when it doesn't hurt like it does now. If I live for another 30 years then that's 10,950 nights of racing in the dark to bed then laying there in the silent darkness with my heart pounding, thoughts racing, desperately trying to fall asleep. The very thought fills me with dread, and that's without even the possibility of seeing them on the street, at the shops, the school, or anywhere else I might go. 

Fear and Trust

Young children seem to fear very little, yet also seem to have an innate ability to trust implicitly. 

Would this illustrate that fear levels in a person could be directly related to that persons ability to trust? In my opinion, people who have had their trust damaged in any way, seem to fear more because they trust less. These people are more likely to doubt or question themselves or the situation they are in, and it is these doubts that seem to lead to fear. 

Speaking to My husband about working on the new World Trade Centre, I know that I would be too scared to work that high up, but my husband is confident that it is perfectly safe because of the safety ropes. I would be so scared of the ropes breaking or failing in some way which shows that I have no trust in the ropes or the situation, despite having no reason what so ever not to trust them or to feel the way I do. 

I know that I do not trust easily, it does not come natural to me because I've been hurt too many times. I've trusted people only to have that trust destroyed in the blink of an eye. As a result I find that I tend to doubt and question everything. If someone pays me a compliment I will be wondering why they said that, what did they really mean, were they being nice or was it a way to make a sky dig at me. I read things into it that aren't actually there and I cannot simply trust the fact that a person might have just been being genuinely nice. I don't even trust myself to make the right judgements or decisions, I co stanly question if I am doing the right thing and will always seek a second opinion to hopefully back up my decision for me. 

Comparing my complete lack of trust or ability to trust, with the levels of fear I experience is what leads me to believe there is some direct relationship between the two. I am the person who simply cannot watch a horror film or hear a ghost story because it will play on my mind for months and even years afterwards. It will give me nightmares and strike fear through me even years later. I'm the girl that won't walk into a room if the light is off and the one who is too scared to turn the lights off as I leave a room. I'm the girl who is too scared to go out alone after dark, who is terrified of what others think of her. My fear and anxiety levels are sky high on a permanent basis, could that be related to the fact that I struggle so hard to trust? 

Learning to love yourself

This in all honestly is something I can't ever remember doing and I can't ever imagine doing, and that is - loving myself. 

I don't think I've ever even just liked myself, I've never felt like a good person, I've always felt like a horrible, ugly, selfish, miserable person. And I'm sat here, crying, writing this, because I don't know how to change, I don't even know if I can change? 

I've always hated who I am, never feeling good enough or worthy, and I keep getting told that I've GOT to change but it terrifies me because I honestly don't know if I can, or how to even start trying, or where to start trying. 

Every now and then a tiny glimpse appears, and I think to myself that I'm doing ok, I might like that person, and as quickly as she appears, she vanishes again. Swallowed up and consumed by self loathing and pity, that huge black hole inside of me, the one that shows me how unworthy I am, how selfish and hateful I am. I kind of wish that I could change, but I honestly think I may never be able to, I simply cannot find one single thing to love, or even to like. I really do think I'm going to need a huge amount of help with this one, and I'm not entirely sure where to find that. X

Re-connecting

There is something strangely comforting about crying alone in an empty church. 

It's quite amazing because for me personally, this particular church holds some of my happiest memories (my wedding day, our vow renewals, the baptism of both my daughters, my confirmation and my daughters first holy communion) yet at the same time, this church (or just churches in general) also hold some of my most painful memories too. You see for so many years I associated and blamed church and religion for what T did. There was a point in my life, not all that many years ago either, where I physically was not able to walk into a church on my own, and the mere thought of walking through those doors alone into an empty church simply terrified me. 

I'm sat here now, alone, reflecting on those feelings, and I'm wondering how something which right here and now at this very moment in time, is such an immense source of comfort to me, could have ever ignited such fear inside of me. Where did that fear come from? And more importantly, where has it gone? 

Every now and then the building creaks, and although I'm aware of the noise, I'm not afraid of it, the silence is comforting, the creaks let me know that even though I'm alone, I'm not. I honestly don't think I could possibly hurt anymore than I've already been hurting anyway. 

I wonder, how many people have sat in this seat before me? Who were they, where did they come from, what were their stories, what brought them here? Sitting on the cold stone floor makes me wonder how many feet have trod this path before mine did? There are so many grooves and marks in the stones and in the wood, I just want to run my fingers over each and every one, tracing the paths of those who were here first, wondering what brought them here, who they were, what they did? Re-connecting with a part of myself that had somehow gotten lost recently. I have never felt so calm, so at home, I needed to just rethink, re-evaluate, realise what I'd lost and find it again. 

I needed to sit here and give my tears back to God, to figure out if and how I can bring myself back, to think about who I am and what I want and more importantly, what I need, in order to focus on the future and not the past. 

I've cried, I've smiled, I've apologised, I've sought inspiration, and I've thought. I know I'm confused right now, I'm not entirely sure what I want, or who I am, but being here, having this time to re-connect myself with church, with religion, with God, it's given me some ideas. 

I've always craved the quick fix to my problems, rushing into things like a tornado and often destroying myself a bit further in the process, now it's time to slow down, to think, carefully, only I can fix me, only I can take this journey, only I have the answers and its up to me to figure them out. X

Reporting a crime - Part II

This is the second half to my earlier blog post about reporting a crime. In the first blog I discussed what happened with T when I tried to report the rape to the police. This blog I want to focus on what happened with M. You see, that time I chose NOT to go to the police, I didn't report the rape and I made no attempt to press charges, and I want to use this post to explain some of my reasoning behind that decision. 

There was a staff party, and a large amount of alcohol was being consumed, I remember everything clearly up to a certain point and then things got sketchy and my memories of the night become blurry. I remember falling down some stairs and twisting my ankle, I remember getting off a coach in Liverpool, I remember needing my inhaler and starting to panic when I realised I didn't have it with me. The next thing I remember is waking up in the dark and trying to move, and realising I couldn't, because someone was on too of me, they were moving, I remember struggling to make sense of the situation and not having the ability to move my body the way I wanted to. I realised that someone was having sex with me, but I had no idea who it was or where I was. He suddenly moved, said "shit, someone's coming" and was gone, but hearing his voice I suddenly realised who he was. Then just like that, he was gone, and I must have passed out again. 

Next thing I knew, it was morning. I was on the floor in my mums best friends house. I had vague, fuzzy memories of someone on top of me, I remembered hearing M's voice and I knew that I'd had sex, I felt sore, I struggled to make sense of everything. 

It took me days to process all the thoughts in my head, I was so confused, I didn't know what to do. What if I had said yes but I just couldn't remember saying it? Was it still rape? I didn't know what to think. 

Phoning the police was never an option to me, I had no memories of what had happened, I wasn't sure if I'd consented, I really didn't think anyone would believe me to be perfectly honest. 

When I'd gone to the police with T, after hours and hours of questions they just told me to drop charges anyway, so even the police hadn't believed me. It just put me off even trying to do anything this time. I told someone I thought I could trust but they then told someone else, who told someone else and one person told me I was lying, M wasn't like that. So I just decided to keep quiet and figure out a way to deal with it myself. 

Except here I am, almost 14 years later still trying to figure out how to deal with it all. 

Reporting a crime?

This blog I want to focus on reporting the crime? Did you report the crime to the police? Why? If you chose not to report the crime to the police, then why not? 

There are so many reasons why a woman might choose NOT to report being raped to the police, in fact there are probably more reasons why women don't report the rape than there are reasons to report the crime. 

The first time I was sexually assaulted, I wasn't actually aware at that time that any kind of criminal offence had occurred     It was months later when I realised what had actually happened that day, it always kind of felt wrong, but at the time I was the 14 year old with the 18 year old boyfriend - it was kind of like a status symbol! I was with an older boy, a man, I had what a lot of girls my age wanted, and I was secretly pleased with this new found attention that it brought me, especially since before this I was a nothing, nobody ever really noticed me in the corner, blending into the background. The downside was that it all came at a price, I didn't tell anyone what had gone on, would they think I was a slut being just 14? Would they believe me? Girls had claimed to have done it before and people didn't believe them, what would make me any different? I just didn't want to brag about what I'd done, I didn't like it, I didn't enjoy it and I was so worried that people would tell me I was 'frigid' for feeling that way. So I said nothing. I ended the relationship and I said nothing at all to anyone, not until months later when in talking to a friend I kind of pieced together what had happened. By that point it was just too late to even think about going to the police really. 

Next time, when 'T' raped me, it shook my world, I didn't know who to tell, or what to say. Almost a year earlier I had slept with T, we didn't plan it, I had this thing for him, everyone knew it, I was happy at that time to consent, it felt right, I wanted to be with him. I guess I thought if I did this, maybe he would love me like I loved him?

Anyway fast forward 9 months, I had been in a relationship with someone else for 6 months, during that period of time, my relationship with T was entirely platonic, best of friends only. I'd only been a few weeks out of the relationship when T raped me, and I'm sure, that if he'd waited for me, if he'd just waited a bit longer, I probably would have happily been with him again. 

It's just that at that time, it was just a few weeks after the split and all I could think of was wanting my ex back, I'd found out that my ex was now with a very close friend of mine instead and I was devastated, I just wanted him back. That's the only reason I said no to T, I thought if I turned T down, then my ex would see how much I loved him and maybe change his mind about the split. 

It didn't work. Instead it shook me to the core, I knew what he'd done, I knew when it was happening what he was doing, I just didn't know who I could tell. My 3 best friends at the time,were T, my ex and his new girlfriend, they were the 3 people I would have been most likely to confide in, yet I felt betrayed by all 3. 

6 days later there was a party at T's house. If I refused to go then my group of friends would have found that really odd, so instead I forced myself to go and act normal, only it didn't work, I had a few drinks and I completely freaked out. I told my ex what had happened, he got really angry, he told my mum what had happened, my mum called the police and I suddenly found myself drunk and hysterical with my ex and 2 police officers giving a statement of what had happened 6 days earlier. I don't remember a lot of that night, I think the alcohol helped me block most of the memories. 

One of my friends mums went to confront T, before the police went to speak to him. He denied everything, he admitted we'd slept together but he denied it was rape, he claimed I had never once said 'don't do this'  or 'stop' as far as he was concerned, it was all fine. 

The next day the police came back to me, they asked more questions, had me go over and over that day so many times. Finally the police sat me down with my mum. They actually advised me NOT to press any charges against T, he had said that I'd consented and as a week had passed there was likely to be no forensic evidence left, so it was going to come down to my word against his in a courtroom. The police then went on to explain how it would go against me, that day 9 months earlier when we'd had sex willingly, that it would go against me that I'd come out of a sexual relationship just weeks earlier. They then explained that it would go in T's favour the fact that his dad was a vicar, that they lived in the rectory and attended regular church services. Basically the defence would  make me out to be a promiscuous teen whilst making T out to be a saint. The police advised at that point, that I retract my statement and don't press any charges. Of course I did exactly that, there was no way I could have stood up in a courtroom, whilst the defence tore strips off me and made me out to be some kind of whore. That would have hurt even more. I do often wonder though, if that statement I made that night is sat around in police archives somewhere? Or if its been destroyed by now? 

What did they take from me?

Today I've been thinking about what exactly T and M took from me when they raped me. 

The first thing I lost was trust, the ability to trust other people, the ability to trust myself, the ability to trust the decisions and choices I make, the ability to trust the decisions that others might make on my behalf. They say that breaking someone's trust is like breaking a mirror, you can do your best to pick up the pieces and put them back together again but it will never be the same as it was before. That is so very true, trust is one of the hardest things in the world to gain, yet one of the easiest things to loose at the same time. Once you've had your trust shattered the way that I had, you find yourself unable to function properly, you find yourself questioning every single decision you make right down to the clothes you wear and the way you act or speak. 

Another thing that is taken from you when you are raped, is your self-confidence. I lost what little self confidence I actually had to start with, you suddenly start to believe that it was your fault, that you caused the rapes, it was something you must have done, and when you believe that you are to blame and you don't trust yourself, you suddenly loose all your confidence. 

Things you would normally do without batting an eyelid, suddenly become huge issues; walking alone after dark, staying home on your own, going to a party. Even going to work or going about your daily life can be hugely difficult when your confidence is at an all time low and you feel like you hate yourself. 

Suddenly you find yourself feeling guilty and ashamed, sure that something you did must have caused this to happen to you, guilt is a killer. I know guilt isn't something that is taken from you, but the ability to function normally is something that is taken from you, and that is because of the guilt that you feel, if only the shame didn't keep you from telling people how you feel, then maybe the guilt would be easier to resolve? 

But the shameful feelings prevent you from telling people what has happened and by keeping quiet there is no one to tell you that it was NOT your fault, no one to explain to you that you weren't to blame and so you carry on feeling guilty and ashamed and the vicious cycle will continue until you are finally able to break it. 

The only positive to all of this is that although you lost a lot when you were raped, the things that were taken from you are actually replaceable, you can get them back, eventually, with a lot of effort and hard work, and the right people in your life, it actually is possible to trust again, both yourself and other people, you will one day feel confident again, and you will finally let go of the guilt, shame and blame. That day WILL come you just have to carry on fighting for it. X

Forgiving? A poem and response.

I was once told that you MUST forgive,

If you want to move on with your life. 

If you want to be rid of the pain from the past,

You must forgive those that caused you pain. 

To forgive, is that to forget? 

I can never forget; can I ever forgive? 

I don't think I want to do that,

Forgiving means that I accept what they did. 

Forgiving means,

That I no longer hold them responsible, 

That what they did, was not that bad, 

But it was bad, and they are responsible. 

I don't think I can ever forgive,

And I don't think that I want to. 

Does that mean that I can never move on? 

Does that mean that I will never forget?

One day in the future, 

Maybe I will know what to do, 

But right here and now, 

Forgiving and forgetting, is just not an option. 

I wrote this shortly before I learned a lesson in forgiveness, you see, it does not have to be a conscious decision to forgive. When I realised that if I had the chance to hurt my attackers, the way that they hurt me, and then watch them suffer. If I had that chance, if I had that choice, a simple yes or no answer and they would suffer like I have. Honestly - in all my heart of hearts, I wouldn't do it, I wouldn't wish the pain I've gone through in the past upon even my worst enemy. That's when I realised that by not wishing pain upon them, in my heart I had forgiven them for what they did. It doesn't me that I've forgotten, far from it, and it certainly doesn't mean that I accept what they did to me, I still struggle to come to terms with what they did to me, with what they took from me, but one day, I will find peace in the world. 

I am....... - a poem

I am.....

I am strong, now I see, 

I have the strength, to fight for me. 

I am brave, this I know,

Because now I'm ready to let you go. 

I am courageous, can't you see?

I have the courage to set me free. 

I am grateful, for each new day,

A new beginning is on its way. 

I am hopeful for a future bright:

I was blind to it, I now have sight. 

I am successful, for I survived. 

You've not beat me, I have thrived. 

I am proud, so proud to be me 

Proud that I'm able, to set myself free. 

I'm a fighter, I'll never give in. 

Of this I am certain, this battle I'll win. 

Look into my eyes now, what do you see? 

I am a woman,

I am me. 

Copyright EC x

This is a poem I wrote about surviving, please do not copy this work or claim it as your own. 

Support

Yesterday I learned a wonderful lesson in support and I wanted to share it with you. You see it was just any other normal day, we were heading up to the summer fair at our church, my mum was going, my sister, her family, my cousin and her family, it was going to be a fun day out. 

As we arrived I headed straight to the rectory with my youngest whilst my hubby headed into the fair with the 2 eldest to meet up with the others. At the rectory we were directed over to the fair instead and as we reached the gates I spotted my hubby rushing towards me. I wanted to go off to see everyone but he wanted to pull me over to a quiet corner to talk to me. By this point I'm puzzled, intrigued and also a little bit worried, wondering what on earth he needed to say to me that I needed to hear "out of the way". 

His words stunned me, "m's here, we wanted to pre-warn you, your mum told me I had to find you and tell you, are you going to be ok?" 

My heart sank to my feet, but I forced myself to lift my shoulders and act nonchalant as I replied to him "let's do this, I can't ruin today for the kids because of this" 

I won't say I wasn't scared and I won't say I wasn't worried, I was petrified, I felt sick, I wanted nothing more than to run away and hide. I don't even know what it is about seeing him that hurts me so much. All I think it is, is that seeing him forces me to relive memories over and over in my head. Like watching a horror film that terrifies you on replay and having no control over it. 

But knowing that my mum knew this would affect me and my hubby knew this would hurt me and they both did their best to protect me by pre-warning me of what I was facing gave me such comfort. They were a great force of strength for me because physically I came closer to M than I ever have since then, I didn't have my checkout for 'protection' instead I had my husband and my mum flanking each side of me and 'protecting' me. 

For the first while I just stood around, nervously scanning every inch of the crowd for his face, knowing I'd be confronted with it at some point during the day. Once I'd found him my eyes followed him for most of the day, simply because I needed to know where he was in proximity to where I was so I felt somewhat safe. 

When my sister arrived at the fair the first thing she said was "where is she, does she know, is she ok?" I was so touched by the genuine concern from the people I loved, and I guess if I hadn't shared my feelings with them over time then they might not have realised how yesterday would have affected me and I would have suffered in silence instead. 

Having the support of my family made the world of difference to me yesterday, they gave me the strength to get through a difficult day, I might have turned around and walked away had they not been there supporting me. 

I never realised how much it means to have that kind of support and I'm so grateful that they were there for me yesterday. X

Back clouds

For some reason, recently, I've been completely consumed by this awful blackness, this horrid mood, this constant urge to just cry all the time. I feel like I just can't be bothered doing anything, I don't see the point of getting up in the morning, I don't want to go out, I don't want to be around people asking constant questions. I just don't have the energy to face the world and smile at the moment. I know people just want to to tell me to simply snap out of it, man up, get over it, whatever. 

I wish it were simply that easy, don't people think if it were I would have done that already? Half of the problem is that I don't even know why I feel so low right now. There's rock bottom, there's 100ft of crap under rock bottom and then there's me, under that 100ft of crap :( 

I need to find a way out, motivation, positive thinking, something, anything, right now I'm desperately clutching at straws and its killing me slowly...

COMPLETE THESE... A writing exercise x

I am... Myself, I cannot be anyone other than me. 

I want... The ability to move away from the restrictions of the past. 

I wish... That I could do this 

I hate... That I've not been able to do this yet. 

I miss... Out on too much because I can't move on. 

I fear... That I'll never be able to let go. 

I hear... A little voice in my head telling me I cannot give up. 

I wonder... When I will finally conquer my demons?

I regret... Leaving it this long to try to deal with everything. 

I am not... Prepared to go down without a fight. 

I dance... When I think no ones looking

I sing... When I think no ones listening

I cry... When no one is there

I am not always... Going to to be held back like this 

I make with my hands... Bobbles and bows with pretty ribbon xx

I write... A blog and it really helps 

I confuse... Myself daily 

I need... To do this for myself 

I should... Start looking at why I feel this way 

I start... To cope and then loose it again

I finish... This journey with my head held high I hope. 

How to change a reaction?

I see him with my eyes, but I feel him with my heart as the fear causes yet another crack. 

Fear? What is it I have to fear when I see him? That he will attack me again? In public! Of course he wouldn't be so stupid! Then what? The only thing I have left to fear is a memory, that awful split second memory that is triggered when I see him, that memory that plays, over and over, and over, the memory where I slowly figure out what's happening to me yet I cannot do a single thing to stop what's happening. The memory where I don't try to stop him, I just lay there all fuzzy wondering how I move again. The memory that haunts me still, all these years later. I just don't know how to change my reaction to that memory, it paralyses me briefly, and then it just runs and runs, bombarding my thoughts with its pain. I can't stop it, and I don't know any other way to react to it, initially my fear when seeing him was real, it was valid, but as the years passed the fear became irrational, I know he won't touch me, he can't hurt me, I'm never likely to be alone with just him again, so it's not possible for him to hurt me. Yet my reaction remains the same all these years on and I just wish I knew how I could react differently when I saw him but I just don't have any control over my reaction yet. Will that come? Ever?

2 steps forward, 1 step back

That's how my life feels right now, like I take 2 huge steps forward and then take a step back again. It's so frustrating. I'm being told that I cannot keep looking to the past and letting the past control me, but the problem I have is that I think the past has actually become me, that I am what happened to me and if that is the case then if you take the past away there will be nothing left of me. 

I've said it so many times before but I don't know how to be me anymore, I don't know who I am. I find a glimpse of someone, someone with a bit of self esteem, someone who's happy and confident in herself, and as quickly as I find her she seems to retreat inside me and vanish again. 

So how do I grab this girl and keep her before she vanishes again? How do I even consider letting go of everything I am when I have no idea what will become of me then? If I do find the strength to let go, what will be left, if anything? I have so many questions and yet there really are no answers, the only way I will ever know is to simply take the plunge. I'm getting close, I know I am, closer than I've ever got to finding some sense of normality with the chaos and destruction that's been my mind. The problem is that the closer I get, the more steps forward I take, the harder it pulls me back like a bungee rope. The only hope I have right now, is that even bungee jumpers eventually come to rest on the ground, the bouncing back doesn't last forever, eventually they lose momentum and the rope stops dragging them away from their final destination. All I can do is hope that my rope to the past will eventually lose its momentum too and that one day, I will find the courage to step out of the bungee harness and walk away from the past. One day I will figure out who I am, and that I will be able to be more than just what happened to me. 

2 steps forward and 1 step back, are still steps in the right direction and they mean that I'm still moving forwards, albeit slowly.... 

Of guilt, shame and battles!

Firstly lets define guilt and shame so we know exactly what we're talking about, 

Guilt: n. 1. the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, esp. against moral or penal law.

2. a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

Shame: n. 1. the painful feeling of having done or experienced something dishonorable, improper, foolish, etc. 

See most, if not all rape survivors, feel guilty or shameful after being raped, guilty because we convince ourselves that we must have done something to cause this to happen to us (in my case one of the times it was drinking and getting intoxicated, if I hadn't got drunk that night would have ended entirely differently and not with being raped) and then you have shame, shame is what silences us, keeps us from telling people what happened to us. I told someone what happened to me and I was told "m isn't like that, he wouldn't do that" which then made me feel like it was my fault, I had somehow made him do that. Logic doesn't even come into play during these moments, because although logically I know that nothing I did caused M to rape me, I was passed out, fast asleep, when he raped me, so I know that my actions didn't cause the rape. 

But then the guilt and shame kick in, I need somewhere to point the blame, somewhere to direct the anger that I feel, and the safest place to direct all those feelings is at myself. My skirt was too short, my top was revealing, I'd had too much to drink, I didn't fight him off, I didn't say no, all reasons to blame myself, to feel guilty and ashamed. 

Had this happened to a friend, I know I'd be first there telling her it wasn't her fault, she has every right to wear what she wants, drink what she wants and to still feel safe, I'd tell her the alcohol stopped her from fighting and saying no, it's not her fault that she couldn't move to push him away, it's not her fault that she didn't say no, she didn't realise what he was doing at first because of the alcohol. So if I can see all this logically and I would comfort another person in this way, then why on earth do I choose to punish myself for these things? 

Because if I don't punish myself and direct my anger at myself, then I need someone else to punish, somewhere else to direct the anger, the only other place is at my attackers. Something which I fear would not be possible without huge ramifications as a result.

 I did confront T, I spoke about that in the blog post titled "confronting your demons" and there were no ramifications, I received what I felt to be a sincere apology from someone who felt guilty for his own actions and had spent years torturing himself as a result. A lot like I had been doing. But somehow even knowing that hasn't seemed to fix things in my head. 

I could never confront M, I honestly believe that he didn't think he was doing anything wrong that night, and I know he bragged to friends about this "conquest" which hurts even more, because I know he will never understand how much he hurt me, and I know he will never care about it. 

I feel like I'm fighting a constant battle with these people, I feel like I need to win, they hurt me, they made me suffer, which means they've been winning all these years, and now I need to fight back and win. 

When actually, the battle I'm fighting, it's not with T, or even M, it's with myself.

 I'm fighting myself, waging a constant war in my own head, convincing myself I'm fighting these demons, when I'm only fighting myself. The problem is though, when there's only one person fighting the battle, although you may win, you will find that you also loose too. 

I know I can't change what happened to me. I can't control what T and M did, I couldn't control it back then so I certainly can't control it now. I cannot alter the past. All I have is here and now, all I have are my memories, my reactions to what happened, two things that are actually controlling me right now. Except these are things that I CAN change, my memories, my reactions, these are things that I actually can control. 

So that will be my new battle, I cannot change the past or what happened to me, but I CAN change myself and how I react to the past and I can control my memories and how I react to those. 

I spent far too many years blaming and punishing myself, simply because that was the easiest and safest option I had, but now it's time to step out of my safety zone, let down some of my barriers, and do what's right for me, NOT what's easy for me! Easy is locking things up and torturing myself, but right is letting go and changing my reactions, letting people in and finding the real me! She is in there somewhere, no more hiding her away, no more fronts or masks, just the open honest truth.   

Letter to them

Dear M and T

I swear to God you both have ruined my life now for far too long and every single time I try to fight back you knock me down again, well I'm sick of it. I'm fed up of the control you have had over my life and my head. I'm trying, God only knows I'm bloody trying, it's a constant uphill battle with everything that you both did to me. But this is one battle that you cannot win, I won't let you, it's just not possible because when you win - I die, it really is that simple, and I'm NOT ready to die! Fighting you both is my only option, I know that now, and I'm damn well prepared to fight until there is absolutely nothing left of you for me to fight anymore. It will happen, it might not be right now, it might not even be in the next week or month, but it will happen one day. 

I need you out of my head for good, I just need to figure out how to get to the place where that is possible. It is possible, it just has to be, my sanity depends on it now.  

One day I will be able to see you or think about you and what you did, and not feel a thing, to not feel hurt, anger, guilt or any of the myriad of emotions I experience when you're in my head. 

One day, not today, not likely tomorrow, maybe not next week, or even next month, but one day, you won't have a place here and I will be strong enough to let you go, strong enough to stop torturing myself, strong enough to be free. One day ........

More thoughts

So the other day I discussed dealing with some of the bigger issues, in order to start fixing and resolving the smaller issues. The 2 main things that I am up against are T and M, both have their own set of problems and each one is going to be incredibly difficult to try to deal with and solve. 

First M, you see M is the more threatening presence in my life right now. M is the one that I'm likely to run into going about my daily life, shopping, working, days out locally with the kids, M is the one that lives locally, the one that I live in fear of running into on a daily basis. I just don't remember what actually happened with M, you see, I'd been drinking (back to those bad choices we make!) I wasn't even sure where I was when I woke up that night, I wasn't sure what was happening at first, and even when I realised someone was having sex with me, I couldn't make my body or my brain work the way I needed to, I didn't even know who it was until he spoke and I recognised his voice. I have spent many years questioning if this was even rape? For all I knew I could have consented but had no memory of that part. Having read up in books and online, it is classed as rape if a person is too intoxicated to be deemed capable of consenting to sex. So the answer I was looking for, was yes, M raped me, whether I said yes or not, I was incapable of making that decision for myself at that moment in time. If I had the opportunity I never would have slept with M, it would have just been too weird as we'd grown up together and I just didn't think of him like that, I never had. 

You could call T a less threatening presence in my life, he moved away from the area many years ago, the chances of me running into him in Asda are pretty remote to say the least. Our paths had not crossed for several years and were not likely to cross at any point in the near future. However, despite this, the psychological damage that T caused cuts far deeper than I ever imagined it would. The betrayal on so many levels affected me far more than I first realised. 

T and I were super close, he was someone I could talk too, he knew I'd been raped, he'd held me as I cried, comforted me and reassured me, he made me feel safe and could make everything ok when he wrapped his arms around me. Sunday mornings before church and after church we were often found curled up watching episodes of Red Dwarf together, I trusted T completely, that line between friendship and more often blurred, lines were crossed, but I was so comfortable with him. I think that's what hurts so much, I'd have been with him, he only had to say the word and I'd have crossed that line with him because I held him on a pedestal. 

There were a few months when I was in a relationship with someone else and T liked to poke fun at that relationship, but despite my feelings for T, during that time I'd have never done anything to spoil things in my current situation. When we broke up I was heartbroken, and T was the one with open arms, comforting, safe and secure. On that particular day were were messing around, talking, joking, playing that stupid game that required someone to admit they were nervous - we'd played it so many times before, I had every faith that I was safe with T, he'd never given me a reason to doubt him yet. But somehow that day ended up different because he didn't stop when I asked, and my protests and giggles were soon stopped dead when I realised what was happening. I switched off, turned my focus everywhere but there, I watched the church out of the window, questioned the morals of a God who allowed people to hurt like this. My soul was being torn to shreds, I'd never be able to repair this, and I had no idea where or how to even begin. 

How do you try to rebuild your trust when it's been shattered into so many pieces? When you've used your judgement to figure out who it is safe to trust, and then it turns out that you couldn't have been more wrong, you suddenly begin to question everything, even years later, every time you need to trust your instincts, you start questioning your judgement, always turning back to T. I thought I could trust T but look how wrong I was, how can I be sure that I can trust this person? The psychological effects of this betrayal of trust wreak havoc upon your life. You no longer have any logical concept of who is safe to trust, who poses a threat and might hurt you? 

If you combine the damage caused by T, with the damage caused by M, all you have is a shadow, that's all that remained. A tiny whisp of my former self, I did everything I could to fade into the background from then on, choosing to blend in rather than stand out. 

I wish you ........

I wish you strength of a mountain.

Strength to fight

strength to stay true to yourself

strength to not let this destroy you

strength to find your inner purpose

Strength to carry on

I wish you the hope of a child.

hope for a future

hope for recovery

hope for safety

hope for well and whole

I wish you love deep enough to fill the oceans

love from yourself

love from others

love from a strangers kindness

love in spite of your history

I wish you comfort of a blanket

comfort to acknowledge your feelings

comfort to accept them as valid

comfort to not feel lonely

comfort to receive help

comfort to become fearless

comfort enough to let your inner beauty shine.

I wish you patience

patience to deal with life

patience to know your journey is a long one

patience to push forward through setbacks

patience to accept the confusion of those close to you

patience to heal with every tear.

I wish you these things because you deserve them for you are beautiful, strong, loved, and because someone along the way didn't believe these things about you.

This is such a beautiful poem, I just had to share it!!!

A journey towards change and letting go.

So recently I've been thinking lots, I know I've talked about healing and a recovery journey, and I've been thinking about what this means to me. One of the thoughts I've had involves me, "letting go" of the past, but for some reason I actually find this a scary prospect. For so many years, all I wanted was to go back to the me I was before being raped, but as the years pass me by, this vision of me gets smaller and fades away further into the distance, in fact I don't think I even know who she is anymore, I barely even remember her, it's been so long since I knew her. Because, being raped, over the past 16 years has become an enormous part of who I am and what I am, I'd even go as far as saying that it's become me. I spent so long convincing myself that I was fine, that I would NOT allow being raped to become a part of who I was. I failed miserably. It really is who I am, some days I still see myself as a victim, mostly though, I'm a survivor. But it's had such a massive impact on my life, affecting so many of the decisions I make, affecting how I think, how I act, who I am. I'm a completely different person since that happened, I find it so much harder to trust people, and almost impossible to trust myself, instead, relying on others to make decisions for me. The part that I find scary though, is that if I let go of all the feelings, all the guilt, hurt, blame and pain, then what, if anything will actually be left of me? I allowed the rape to consume me, to become me, I lost sight of the old me, the girl I was, she disappeared long ago. If you take rape away I am nothing, because I don't know how to be anything else, this is all I know, this is who I've been for 16 years. I don't know if I have the strength left, to create a new me, to become someone else, someone I don't actually know, someone I've never met. Because it's up to me to change, it's what I need to do, I know in my heart that I simply cannot continue to carry all this with me forever, the burden just grows heavier as time passes. After a long talk a couple of nights ago, probably one of the most, frank, honest and open discussions I've had in 16 years, I've come to the conclusion that there are 2 major things I need to deal with (and probably lots and lots of smaller ones, but hopefully these will fall into place as I worth through the others) The 2 big things are T and M - I have to come to terms with what they both did. Both are entirely different incidents, which have their own entirely different set of issues - maybe that needs it's own blog post though. The smaller issues involve; trust, touch, letting go, relaxing, cutting, triggers and flashbacks, just for starters. So for now the journey is underway, a journey I've been taking for 16 years already, but this time I'm choosing a new path, I need to move away from the bad coping mechanisms of the past, and learn new, healthy ways to deal with things, and that is what this part of my journey will focus on.

Anger

Lately I've felt like a red cloud descended upon me, for no particular reason with no prompting, the anger just appears like a red mist, it's as though the more I try to organise my head, sort through my feelings and make decisions about moving on with life, the more intense the anger becomes. Almost as though I'm angry at myself for wanting to deal with my past properly and try to heal properly, the closer I get to trying to take these steps the more the anger grabs me and tries to hold me back. I don't actually know why I'm so full of rage, I don't really have any particular or valid reason to feel this way, I just can't seem to control the way that I feel though. It's killing me. Slowly, but surely, it's eating away at me, filling my head with ugly thoughts, with hateful feelings, just this awful red rage, consuming me from the inside out. I need to figure out a way to control it and I need to figure it out fast. I need my life back, I just want to be able to open my mouth and speak instead of feeling my jaw clenched refusing to let my feelings out. I want nothing more than one day to walk past one of them 3 and feel nothing, no pain, no fear, no anxiety, no hatred, just nothing. I want to tear my soul to pieces and then slowly and carefully put it back together again, unlike last time when I hastily tried to fix things with all the wrong coping mechanisms. I want to do this properly, no haste, no quick fix, just pure determination to sort the past out once and for all. Only it would appear that my demons clearly object to these decisions, in fact they are pretty much ruining my life all over and making things pretty miserable right now. I was told in the past that its when you try to rid your life of demons that they will do everything in their power to try to stop you. That's exactly what they are doing, and right now they're turning me into a big volatile ball of rage and they're winning. Now I need to find the strength and figure out how and IF I am able to fight back.

Of rugs and sweeping......

Somehow that black cloud still has me trapped, I'm discovering that most of the progress I had made in the past towards healing and recovering was this special little tactic also known as avoidance, avoiding the memories, the feelings, anything related to being raped. In avoiding these various triggers it becomes increasingly easy to convince yourself that you are "over it" that you've dealt with everything and you've moved on with your life. Actually what you have done is simply swept those feelings, the hurt, the memories, under a metaphorical rug in your mind, if you can't see them, they can't hurt, right? Except what happens when something else rape related crops up? Out comes the metaphorical brush and rug to tidy up your mind again, but before long you suddenly realise that your rug is no longer a nice flat rug, in fact there is a huge lump underneath the rug, which is now barely being covered by the edges, stray feelings, stray memories are creeping out because they are no longer confined in the darkness underneath the rug. This is what I've spent the past 15 years of my life doing. It's a vicious cycle, avoid and sweep until there's no where to sweep to, work through some of the issues until you feel satisfied with your 'healing' and then go back to avoiding and sweeping again. Now, logically, what I need, is to stop the avoiding, and instead deal with each and every issue as it appears, no matter how small it may seem, no more sweeping, no more rug to hide behind, just constant daily battling and dealing. By fixing the little things they shouldn't build into big things, right? So now I know what I need to do, the question should actually be, am I capable of doing this? How do you deal with the little things when so many times your head cannot seem to put the feelings into words for you, then sometimes if your head has finally managed to find the words, your mouth finds it just cannot speak them out loud. Then what? When you can't find the words to express yourself, or you have the words but find you don't have the voice you need to share with others. Then what do you do when you realise you don't have anyone to share this with? I don't actually mean literally, I have people that I trust, not many, but I have a few, I just don't like to turn to them, it hurts me to burden others with the memories, the pain, the thoughts I have. I have no choice but to live with them, but by sharing them with others, I feel as though I am taking away their choice too. Vicious cycle springs to mind because I know if I don't share then I sweep and hide. How on earth do you manage to break free of this awful cycle? Ideas welcomed with open arms at this point because I'm running out of ideas......

A book recommendation

I've been reading a book, it's called "the truth about rape" by Teresa m. Lauer MA. I actually skipped straight to section 2 of the book, section 1 is the author's journal entries describing her recovery from being raped. Section 2 deals with and describes in detail the various questions one might need answers to following the trauma of rape and also questions and advice regarding recovery and moving on after being raped. At present my head isn't in the best place to be reading descriptions and journal entries depicting someone else's recovery journey, instead I simply needed something else, what that something was I wasn't entirely sure, but I skipped straight through to section 2 and instead started to deal with the facts, the truths, the how to 's and the whys relating to rape. Through my reading I learned several things I hadn't realised earlier, I'd been suffering from a few different coping techniques without even knowing about it, the book touched upon and answered questions regarding "avoidance" (avoiding dealing with the emotions relating to the rape to avoid feeling them again) "Denial" (refusing to admit we are not coping with the situation we are in and instead burying our feelings and emotions regarding the rape) "bargaining" this I was aware of simply as the "what if" stage that I had never really been able to let go of. Reading all this information gave me something I very much needed at this point in my journey, validation, the knowledge that what I am feeling, the emotions I was experiencing were completely real and valid feelings, in short, I was not going crazy. I was not imagining these feelings, the emotions were very much real, in fact these were things I would never ever get away from, never escape, instead I would learn to accept them for what they are, memories, albeit bad ones, of an incident in my past that I would never be able to forget or change. So it would appear that acceptance was a step I needed to take, accepting what happened to me, does not mean I condone their actions, it simply means that I understand that this happened and I understand that the past cannot be undone, the memories cannot be changed and that I accept this for what it is in order to move forward in my journey. I don't have to like it, just accept that it happened and can never be altered or changed. All I have control of anymore are my own reactions to my past, I can choose to be controlled by it OR I can choose to instead become the master of my own destiny by facing the future with a courage I've never discovered before. One more step along the world I go .........

Another step along the road

Last week was a difficult week, this week will be much better, I can just tell. Last week I was consumed by the inherent desire to overcome my demons yet at the same rooted by the fear of what might be. It's been 6 days since my last post and when I left off I left my head in a very bad place, I was suffering a severe lack of faith in myself, in my abilities, a complete lack of confidence and self esteem, my aims at the time were way over my own head, but I was blind to this and could only focus on the final destination as opposed to simply enjoying the journey one step at a time. This week I'm taking each step slowly, and I plan to cherish each moment. Even the moments that cause me pain, I will embrace them and try to understand that the pain is only a temporary feeling, the the results however, I hope will last much longer. I know there will always be a long road ahead of me, I don't think the path to healing ever really ends, but it's my path and its my journey, I can't change that now, so I'll just keep on walking and see where I eventually end up. Maybe I'll endure constant battles with my demons, but each battle I win is simply another step behind me. On to pastures New and all that? We shall see, the only way to know is to try - right?!

More demons

So the last few days I've been thinking about how I can confront and overcome my fear of touch without causing myself too much distress at the same time. I still don't think it's possible - it's going to cause me anxiety, distress, will probably trigger memories and flashbacks and I'm totally dreading the thought of having to go through all of that. But at the same time, if I do not go through all of that I'm going to be stuck with this stupid fear forever. I HAVE to confront it in order to move on. Now the decision just seems to lie with how and when do I go about this confrontation? 

On top of all those though processes going on inside my head, yesterday was also a bank holiday, and I had the pleasure of working until 2pm. Nothing unusual about that except yesterday was one of those days when I find myself face to face with one of 'them' once again. 

There I am sat at my checkout, working away, minding my own business, when I look up and see him, one of my attackers, casually strolling towards my checkout. My heart stopped, my breath caught and my whole body froze, it felt like hours, but could only actually have been seconds. His eyes met mine and he paused then swiftly steered his shopping to the checkout in front of mine. I want to say that that is where I relaxed and carried on going about my work as normal, but my heart was pounding, racing, practically escaping from my chest with every beat. 

I kept him in my line of vision the entire time, my heart hammering, barely able to take a breath, until finally after what felt like forever he left and I was able to relax and breathe again. 

Afterwards so many thoughts were racing through my head - what was it that stopped him coming through my checkout, is he as afraid of facing me as I am of him? Will there ever be a day when I don't experience both a physical and psychological reaction to seeing one of them? How the bloody hell do I figure all this shit out and move on with my life? Input entirely welcome at this stage before I give myself brain damage from banging my head against a brick wall! 

Fear of touch

The more I think about the past, the deeper I fall into the black cloud, and although this seems like a bad thing, it usually culminates to a positive ending, for a little while anyway. 

The only way out of the black cloud is by working through and resolving all the issues that are holding you there in the first place. In doing this it does bring you to a better, more positive place in your healing. Although some would question if more than 15 years is a feasible timescale for recovery and healing? Sometimes I feel as though I've dealt with everything, all the feelings, emotions, fears, everything related to the rapes, and I feel positive about life, and positive that I can cope in future. Then there's the times when something triggers me, brings me back to a memory, a flashback, a feeling, bringing everything hurtling back, it's those times that I feel as though I will never fully recover from what happened to me. Those times that make me feel like this is me, this is the rest of my life, constantly waiting for the next trigger. Is that what it is always going to be like? 

One of the things holding me in the black cloud this time is my fear of being touched. Now I don't mean being touched by my husband, my children, my closest family or friends. Those relationships have been built up over many years, the bonds have been formed and strengthened and I've grown accustomed to how it feels to be touched by these people and I know to expect touch when I'm around them. 

What I'm actually referring to is touch from someone I'm not close enough to to have built any trust with, touch when I'm not expecting it, touch from a stranger or someone I don't know very well. 

In those instances, those situations, I have to fight every response within me that is telling me to run, and instead I freeze, my body will tense, I cannot breathe, I cannot move, think or focus for that split second until I can get myself to focus back on the present and by then the touch is over. 

How do you explain this reaction to the people who touch you though? Depending on what type of touch it was depends on the explanation I will give, if someone comes from behind and touches you, whether they touch your shoulder, back, arm, I will use the excuse that they simply shocked me, causing me to jump. In the instance of a hug from someone you are not expecting a hug from, they usually do not notice that you freeze, so long as you act out the hug realistically, they will probably not notice your held breath or tense body whilst they are hugging you. If you are with someone and you see them

moving to touch you, you can anticipate the touch coming and can brace yourself ready for the moment, I usually find myself tensing up in anticipation of being touched and holding my breath for a few seconds while it takes place. The anticipation helps you to prepare so you are not finding yourself shocked by the touch and although the feeling is not nice it isn't as scary as if the moment came as a shock. 

So how do you manage to overcome this fear and deal with it? Will I ever be able to cope with being touched by people I'm not close to? Is the only way to overcome this fear really just being touched by people? Why does the very thought of that prospect terrify me? Why do I feel physically sick just thinking about it? Has anyone got the answers to these questions? 

Why does this feel so important to me right now? I know that this fear is what is currently holding me inside this black cloud, but I just don't know if I am strong enough to confront the fear right now. It's holding me back, I know it is, I know that it is preventing me from trying new things, I know that the fear is affecting my life in a negative way, what I just don't know is how or even if I can find the strength to fight and overcome that which is keeping me captive?