Poem

Left Out in the Quiet

I stand just outside the moment,

like a name not called in a crowded room,

watching doors open for others

that stay gently, firmly closed to me.

You say you want me there—

but only when I cannot come,

as if my presence fits best

in the spaces already filled with absence.

I try to understand the timing,

but it bends in ways that break me—

my days off pass in silence

while others sit beside you with ease.

They have the hours I don’t,

yet somehow they are chosen,

their footsteps welcomed softly

where mine feel out of place.

It’s not just missed visits—

it’s the echo underneath it all,

the quiet question I can’t stop asking:

Why not me?

I carry that question heavily,

folded into every attempt to reach you,

every time I swallow the hurt

and tell myself not to feel it so deeply.

Because I do feel it—

in the spaces where I should belong,

in the love that feels uneven,

in the ache of being second, or third… or less.

I don’t need perfection,

just a place that feels like mine,

a moment chosen for me

when I am able to be there.

But instead, I linger here—

on the outside of something that should be home,

wondering how love can feel so close

and still leave me this far away.

World Mental Health Day

So today is world mental health day, and all day I’ve been seeing people’s posts about facing mental health struggles and admire each and every person who has opened up about their own struggles, and even those who haven’t opened up for whatever reason is stopping you, I admire you too for being able to carry on as normal despite your inner turmoil. 

My own mental health journey has spanned many years of my life, at least 22 years that I’m aware of, my battle with self harm started when I was around the age of 14, and I would often daydream about methods of suicide and ways to hurt myself because I was just so unhappy with who I was. I was also struggling with anxiety and depression for all those years, I don’t think I ever really liked who I was or at least I don’t remember liking myself anyway. 

Even though I’ve battled with my mental health for around 22 years, it hasn’t all been doom and gloom, I’ve had years where I felt great and everything was fab, and I’ve also had years where things weren’t so great and I really struggled. 

The past 2 years I have to admit have genuinely been the worst and the hardest time of my life, and no particular one thing seemed to trigger off the spiral, it seemed to be a culmination of a few things that sent my mental health into a rapid downward spiral. It was a few months before I admitted to people the true extent of my low mood and the fact that it extended a little bit further than just a low mood. There were 2 days in particular that spring to mind, one day where I was able to admit to someone that I was actually feeling suicidal, and the next day when it took a huge amount of strength not to head for the motorway bridge rather than through the staff door into work. I realised that I was genuinely terrified of my own mind and what it might be capable of, I was scaring myself in a big way. 

The following day I was signed off work and started on medication, it was the beginning of a long 9 month battle with Mental Health Services in order to get an official diagnosis, to be directed to the correct services and to be offered the help that I so desperately needed. 

I was finally diagnosed in January of this year with Borderline Personality Disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety and depression. Initially the diagnosis terrified me as I read a lot of negative information about BPD and I was devastated about this but 9 months on and I’m finally coming to terms with my diagnosis and realising that although it is part of me, it does not and will not define me. 

It’s been a long two years, my body bears so many scars from a battle I fought so hard to win, I spent months being supervised 24/7 because I was a suicide risk, I overdosed, I self harmed, I don’t think an hour went by without me thinking about how to kill myself. I had the worst mental breakdown I’ve ever had and even I’m not sure how I managed to survive it if I’m completely honest, but I’m so grateful that I did survive it. 

I’m now 6 months into an intensive therapy course that will probably last up to 2 years and although things are getting better, I do still have dark moments  and dark days where the urge to hurt myself kicks in or the desire not to be here returns. Thankfully I’m now learning skills to enable me to deal with these moments. I have finally come to terms with the fact that I’ll probably take medication to help stabilise my moods for the rest of my life and that these struggles will probably never go away completely, there will probably be relapses in future but at least now I’m equipped with better skills to help myself when these situations arise. 

I’m also considering a new career path in mental health, and taking baby steps towards this goal. A bad day doesn’t have to mean a bad life. 

A letter to your past self - part 2.

Dear 15 year old me,
Please be careful, you've fallen head over heels this time, he knows exactly what to say to you, he appeals to your sensitive side, he listens to you, he cares for you, he knows how to make you do what he wants without you even realising. He's going to break your heart, he will act like he loves you, he will let you fall in love with him, then he will leave you for your best friend. He will also abuse your trust, just remember that you do NOT have to do anything that you're not comfortable with. Always remember this, it's your body, you CAN say no, just because S didn't listen to you, it doesn't mean no one else will. You have to have confidence in yourself, learn to trust your instincts, and when something feels wrong, or you are not comfortable, don't stay silent and pretend it's all ok, please speak out, tell him you don't want to do that. Don't let him make you do things you don't want to do, and please, please, don't ever feel like you do not have the choice, you can ALWAYS say no.

Dear 16 year old me,
I know that you are hurting right now, you love him, and I know you'll do anything for him to love you again. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you will be ok, you don't need C, you just don't realise this yet. What I say will probably hurt, but I need to say this, he is NOT going to come back to you, instead of holding onto the hope that he will change his mind and come crawling back, you just need to start moving on. Concentrate on yourself, take some time to build your confidence, your self esteem, learn to love yourself, I know you won't believe me, but there is so much about you to love, you just need to open your mind and realise it. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
There's going to be a Saturday afternoon very soon, you'll spend it with a few friends and T, you should go home when they do, don't stay with T after they leave, you won't understand why now, you will have no qualms about your safety that afternoon, in fact it won't even enter your head to even think about it, but it should, and you should be careful.
I know you've never been scared of him, he's one of your best friends, you trust him implicitly, and when things start to cross the line of friendship you won't question it, but you should, don't even cross that line this time. I know you're saying that you can trust him, and I know I'm probably confusing you, you think I'm being silly, but remember, I have hindsight, I know what he's going to do to you.
You can defend him all you like, I know you believe that even if you ask him to stop, then he would, if you said no, that he would respect you, if you change your mind he will listen to you. I know you don't think he's that kind of person, he's kind and gentle, you tell him everything and he's so caring and understanding, he would never hurt you. But he does, he will, and I don't know what changes in him on that day, I wish I could give you those answers, but when you ask him to stop he isn't going to listen to you.
At this moment in time, you won't even begin to imagine the trauma that this is going to cause you, because he isn't violent, there's no fight, why should it even be this traumatic? People won't realise what has happened to you, and that is going to be so confusing to you, you won't be able to comprehend or understand how they cannot see how different you are. But the only changes will be inside of you, your spirit will be broken, your trust destroyed, you will feel betrayed on the deepest level possible, but not a single person will realise the turmoil bubbling around inside you. It's going to hurt, the fact that no one will notice, and yet you will feel so different inside, it will be scary, and confusing, you will feel overwhelmed and bewildered. Please don't wait a week to tell someone, I want to tell you not to drink either, but I know the only reason you tell someone is because you are drunk, it just gives the police reason to believe you're just  a drama queen that's all. Oh yeah, sorry, you will be forced to report this to the police, I know that feels scary, it's going to be hellish, I won't pretend it isn't, but just be brave, stay strong, tell the truth, that is all you can do. I wish I could come back and hug you, protect you, and tell you how brave and amazing you are, this is going to be one of the hardest things you will have to survive, but you do it. If you didn't do it, this letter wouldn't exist, I wouldn't exist to be able to write this. Surviving is one of the most important things you do, not giving up, not giving in, you have strength and determination that right now you don't even know exist inside you, but they are there, and they are what will carry you through the next 19 years. I wish I could change what is going to happen, but I can't, you just need to ride out this storm as best you can, I know you can do it, you just need to believe that you can do it.  Just follow the lighthouse, it's light will guide you through the storm, and one day, I hope you realise that the light from the lighthouse is actually coming from within yourself. You got this, now go shine x

Dear 17 year old me,
Tonight will change your life, please listen to what I have to say to you. The things that will happen to you after this picture is taken, well, they're going to completely turn your world upside down. I'm so sorry. It's going to hurt, it will be harder than you ever imagine to fight through this storm, but I want to tell you that you can, and you will come through this. You will survive what happens later on that night.
You've already been through so much anyway, you've already been hurt in ways you thought only ever happened on the tv and in the news, but you are dealing with that. Not very well at the moment, but the only way you know how to, and that's ok, because you survive. You survived that, and you will survive this too.
If I could give you any advice tonight, I would tell you to stop drinking, don't accept drink off ANYONE, not even people you think you can trust, go home, don't insist that you are going to go back out tonight, go home, don't fight it, home is the safest place for you tonight, please believe that, but most of all, please know that what happens now is not in any way, shape or form, your fault, you are NOT to blame.
I wish I could do more to keep you safe tonight. X

A letter to your past self?

If you could write a letter to yourself, what would you say? Would you write just one letter, more than one, what would be your reasons for writing to yourself?
I would probably write several letters to myself, spanning several times in my life during which significant events took place, my purpose would be to reassure myself, and to try to convince myself not to act in certain ways or do certain things, not to influence or alter events as such, but to try to influence how I react to events and their aftermath instead.

Dear 14 year old me,
Your boyfriend is not worth your time, you might feel special now, it might seem cool to have the 'older guy', yes your friends are jealous, he has declared his love for you in public places via graffiti, and all the girls in school are talking about this, it feels great now, but it won't last.
He's going to hurt you, you won't even understand or realise at the time what he is actually doing to you, it will only become clear months and months later, and by then you will feel like it's too late to tell anyone. It isn't! Talk about it, talk to someone you trust, find yourself someone who you can trust, an adult, someone who can help you to understand that what he did is not ok, it isn't just you being a freak like he told you.
He won't stop at you either, you have the chance to protect your friend, you don't know it yet, but he is going to hurt her too. Please be brave, please talk to someone about how 'odd' you feel for not enjoying it, because only then will you realise and understand that he raped you, you are NOT odd, he coerced you into doing something you didn't want to, he made you feel bad, he made you feel like you were in the wrong. Please don't keep this uneasy feeling inside you, it will eat you up without you even realising. Talk to someone. Don't pretend you are ok, you're not, but if you talk about it, you will be. X

Dear 14 year old me,
Put the blade down, put in back into your pencil sharpener, go do something else, talk to someone about the urges you are having. Dragging that blade across your skin and making yourself bleed will NOT help you. It might relieve your symptoms temporarily, but it will leave you miserable, it will draw you in, it will make you feel like you can never stop doing this. You will NEED to cut, you will feel like you're going to explode if you don't cut, but there are better, safer ways of coping with all the pain you are feeling inside. You haven't discovered google yet, and social media hasn't even been dreamed up yet, so it is so much scarier trying to get the support you need. Talk to that teacher you trust, tell her what you want to do, tell her why you feel this way, don't be scared of people thinking you're a freak, you're NOT, self harm is more common than you realise, it's just that no one is really aware of it yet, and the stigma that surrounds it at this point will change as you grow up.
I know you don't realise it yet, but that first cut, it will lead on to another, and another, you will need to cut more and more, deeper, bigger, each time you will promise yourself that this is the last time, you won't do it again any more, but you will still be struggling with these compulsions 21 years later. So please, don't do for the first time, don't add this to your list, talk to someone instead. Please don't be scared to talk, talking about this with someone you trust might just stop you travelling a 21 year path of self destruction. X

Dear 14 year old me,
You are so confused aren't you, he's attractive, and most of all, his wheel chair makes him safe, he can't hurt you physically if he's in a wheelchair can he? You're going to fall in love with him, let yourself fall, embrace his friendship, cherish his company, he's a good person, he has a kind heart and he will treat you with respect, the way you deserve to be treated. You're going to discover something devastating about him,he is dying, the condition that caused him to be wheelchair bound is terminal, he is going to die, and you will believe he won't live past his teenage years. Don't run away from him and his condition, he is actually going to go on and live for around a further 12 years, you just won't know this yet. It will be scary seeing him in hospital, the tubes, the oxygen, watching him struggle to breathe, it's going to crush you, in fact this will be the reason you end the relationship. Don't be so hasty, he has so much more to offer still, don't give up on him, let yourself love him, let him love you, you have the chance to be happy with him, please don't run away scared. You need him more than you realise right now. X

Dear Lucy

Dear Lucy,
I hope you don't mind me writing this?! Sorry I had to do that! Let me get started though,  I'm not actually sure why I'm putting this down on paper to you instead of some of my family, or friends, but I think knowing that you've battled yourself, yet still come through the storm, makes me feel like you would kind of understand. Not that I'm under any impression that you would ever get to read this anyway because the only place it will probably end up is on my blog, but I guess there's still that tiny remote chance, so I'll just carry on writing to you and getting my thoughts out anyway.
I think it's your lyrics that make me feel like you would understand what's going through my head, because when I listen to your music, I can feel the emotion, the confusion, the passion and the feelings that you're trying to express, it feels like you're speaking directly to me, singing about my life almost. You know what it's like to feel the way I'm feeling, to feel totally bewildered, overwhelmed, exhausted by life, but to keep going on regardless, to brave the storm, even when you feel like you'll never find the rainbow on the other side. For you, Steve, is what pulled you through, and G of course, but the motorway story with Steve, that's what gets me. My kids to me, are what Steve is to you, I could not do that to them, how could I leave 2 beautiful daughters behind, wondering why I couldn't, or wouldn't fight for them. But wow, oh how the fight is beginning to exhaust me, constantly battling with my own mind on a daily, no, on an hourly basis. You see, the thing with anxiety and depression, is that they overwhelm you, and they totally skew your thought process, they make you believe things that aren't necessarily true, and this then makes you feel even worse about everything. The little nagging voices, constantly belittling you, telling you you're not good enough, that no one cares about you, you begin to believe them, to listen to them, you begin believing that you don't deserve to be loved, that no one even cares for you. It can be so crippling that train of thought though, and it totally overwhelms your life, every aspect of it, and that's when the anxiety kicks in too.
I just wish that I could flick a switch and switch those thoughts and feelings off for a little while. I want to ask you if it ever gets better, but look at you now Lucy, you're doing amazing, and I know that I can find the confidence and the bubbly personality inside me again -  I found it once before, so I know it's there, I just don't know how to find it again. That's what I wanted to ask you the other day, how did you beat anxiety and depression? But how can you ask such personal questions in front of so many people you don't know, I know I couldn't, sometimes I can't even put my thoughts into words for the people I'm closest too!
Writing is normally so much easier for me, everything just flows out naturally when I pick up a pen, it's like turning on a tap to my mind, the words just pour out. Except at the moment they don't, I think because I'm finding it all so difficult lately, I feel like I will never get the clouds in my head to disperse.
Lucy the thought that I might have to deal with this for the rest of my life puts the fear of God in me, did you ever feel like maybe you weren't strong enough to fight this? I fought it once, I thought I'd won the war, I turned my life around completely, but then it turned out I'd only won one battle. Is this going to be my life now? Is that how it's always going to be forever? Just winning battle after battle, but never ever managing to win the war? I mean, do you ever still struggle in any way? What did you find helped you? I feel like I'm swimming in treacle at the moment, I'm exhausting myself by trying so hard, and yet failing to get anywhere.
I wish I knew the answers, or what to do for the best, but I'm not entirely sure that there even are answers, and it scares me that my life is just going to consist of battle after battle, fighting just to survive each day, and I wish that someone would just be able to tell me that it will be ok, I will survive, and one day I'll win the war.
I want to apologise for pouring this all out to you Lucy, but then I know you'll probably never even read this, so I'm not sure why I'd even be apologising to you, it just feels like I should because pouring your heart out to someone often feels like you're transferring your burden onto them, when in actual fact, the burden is yours alone to carry and not to pass on. So for that reason Lucy, I'm sorry for doing this, I just wasn't sure where else to reach out to, and I sometimes feel like people just wouldn't understand or care, or they wouldn't want to anyway.
Ka xx

Let me introduce you to........

You know how people always say there's 2 sides to every story? Well, what if there's also 2 sides to people too?!
Imagine a tug of war, now imagine on one side of the rope is a logical, rational thinking individual. She is able to think about situations with a clear head, and rationalise her thoughts and feelings, she is aware of her surroundings, of the world around her and can make logical decisions based on this information. She is level headed, confident and friendly, she always has a smile and always looks for the good in the world.
Now, on the other end of the rope is a highly unstable individual, she is anxious about everything and finds it very hard not to panic or worry over even the simplest of things. She cannot think rationally about her worries, she is unable to judge situations or her surroundings accurately, and this in turn causes panic which instantly swells out of control, and affects every aspect of her life. She unable to think rationally or logically about her feelings and emotions so instead she holds them inside, feeling like they are something to be ashamed of.
These 2 individuals cling to either end of the same rope, constantly battling to regain control of it, always fighting to win, never ever loosing their grip on the rope as they fight with all their might to force the other out of the equation.
 Except, the tug of war is taking place inside my head, the two individuals are actually one person, and this entire battle is going on daily inside my mind. The logical me vs the irrational me, both sides of me constantly at odds with the other, always fighting for control over my mind, never relenting, never stopping.
Some days logical me wins, this means normal, rational decision making is possible, and I'm likely to feel confident and happy in myself. Other days, irrational me wins, and this makes me scared, anxious, panicky, irrational me makes me feel like I'll never be good enough and she makes me sad and angry all at once.
There isn't a day that goes by where I don't feel torn by the battle raging inside my head, it consumes me on a daily basis and it both scares and worries me whether this is even normal? I've spent hours researching personality disorders, and I cannot find a single one that seems close to what I'm experiencing, and the idea of telling a professional terrifies me, what if it isn't normal? What if I'm loosing my mind? What will happen then?

What changed?

What happens when you feel like you're trapped in a silent prison? Like, you have so much to say, you have so many racing thoughts, but your anxiety is forcing you to lock them all away. You can't find the right words to convey what you are feeling? You can't calm your racing heart long enough to make sense of what's going on in your brain. You can't slow the thoughts racing through your mind long enough to focus on any single one at a time. What do you do then?
I find myself scrolling through Facebook and twitter, refreshing the pages over and over and over, like, literally every few seconds, desperately searching for the answers, or waiting for someone to notice how completely stir crazy I am going. Only the answers aren't there, they never are, and no one notices either, because when they ask "Are you ok?" My mouth automatically kicks into a big smile and answers "yeah I'm great thanks" or the infamous "I'm fine". And the exchange is pretty much over before it even began. And so the cycle continues, and I continue, and "I'm fine" and I smile, and I get on with life, and I go through the motions every day, only, I'm not fine, and I wish I could stop lying and saying that I am and pretending that I'm the same person I was a year ago. You see, I had a taste of what it was like to feel 'normal' to feel confident, and happy, and to actually like myself, and I loved it.
So what changed? Was it me? How did I change? What changed me? And more importantly, how do I get that me back? Or is she a write off now? You know, like the 14 year old me, the one who had never been raped, the girl I spent 18 years trying to piece back together, constantly punishing myself for failing miserably at the task in hand before realising that it wasn't all about being the old me anymore, it was actually about loving, nurturing and creating a new me, one born out of the trauma in much the same way that a Phoenix rises out of the ashes. And I managed it too, I nurtured the new me, I cared for her and I learned how to love her and life was pretty amazing for quite a while.
Then it started to change, and I started to question my abilities, and I started to realise that I wasn't actually this fantastic inspirational person that people kept telling me I was. I was winging it, I didn't know how to be confident, or accept compliments, and the more the compliments came, the more they battered at my suddenly fragile confidence, eventually smashing through it completely. Maybe because I stopped trusting in my own abilities, maybe because I stopped believing in myself, maybe because being told I was looking fab, was suddenly just too overwhelmingly terrifying to me. The compliments that had built me up, were suddenly tearing me down, yet the only thing that had changed was me, because I was so scared of looking good, I was terrified of failing to live up to everyone's expectations, because I didn't realise that the only expectations of me were actually only my own. Because I felt under so much pressure to achieve that I crumbled under the pressure. Because a couple of people said and did things that made me feel like I was inadequate and I let myself believe that, that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't worthy, clearly I was a bad person. So my mind ran with these thoughts, it reinforced the feelings constantly, and bam, here I am, a mere shell again, trapped in the belief that I'll never be good enough, terrified of everything, and yet maintaining the sense of complete normalcy to the outside world. A world that doesn't see the hand that shakes as it types these words, that sees only a smile and chirpy attitude, a world that doesn't hear my heart pound when the phone rings, nor do they realise that my silence isn't ignorance, my lack of calls are not born of rudeness but simply an irrational drive to protect myself from accidentally letting the mask slip. The past few months for me, have been all about protection, protecting myself from getting hurt by people, be it physically or emotionally, but I'm beginning to feel like the one person I truly need protection from is actually myself, or I might just self combust.