Dear Lucy

Dear Lucy,
I hope you don't mind me writing this?! Sorry I had to do that! Let me get started though,  I'm not actually sure why I'm putting this down on paper to you instead of some of my family, or friends, but I think knowing that you've battled yourself, yet still come through the storm, makes me feel like you would kind of understand. Not that I'm under any impression that you would ever get to read this anyway because the only place it will probably end up is on my blog, but I guess there's still that tiny remote chance, so I'll just carry on writing to you and getting my thoughts out anyway.
I think it's your lyrics that make me feel like you would understand what's going through my head, because when I listen to your music, I can feel the emotion, the confusion, the passion and the feelings that you're trying to express, it feels like you're speaking directly to me, singing about my life almost. You know what it's like to feel the way I'm feeling, to feel totally bewildered, overwhelmed, exhausted by life, but to keep going on regardless, to brave the storm, even when you feel like you'll never find the rainbow on the other side. For you, Steve, is what pulled you through, and G of course, but the motorway story with Steve, that's what gets me. My kids to me, are what Steve is to you, I could not do that to them, how could I leave 2 beautiful daughters behind, wondering why I couldn't, or wouldn't fight for them. But wow, oh how the fight is beginning to exhaust me, constantly battling with my own mind on a daily, no, on an hourly basis. You see, the thing with anxiety and depression, is that they overwhelm you, and they totally skew your thought process, they make you believe things that aren't necessarily true, and this then makes you feel even worse about everything. The little nagging voices, constantly belittling you, telling you you're not good enough, that no one cares about you, you begin to believe them, to listen to them, you begin believing that you don't deserve to be loved, that no one even cares for you. It can be so crippling that train of thought though, and it totally overwhelms your life, every aspect of it, and that's when the anxiety kicks in too.
I just wish that I could flick a switch and switch those thoughts and feelings off for a little while. I want to ask you if it ever gets better, but look at you now Lucy, you're doing amazing, and I know that I can find the confidence and the bubbly personality inside me again -  I found it once before, so I know it's there, I just don't know how to find it again. That's what I wanted to ask you the other day, how did you beat anxiety and depression? But how can you ask such personal questions in front of so many people you don't know, I know I couldn't, sometimes I can't even put my thoughts into words for the people I'm closest too!
Writing is normally so much easier for me, everything just flows out naturally when I pick up a pen, it's like turning on a tap to my mind, the words just pour out. Except at the moment they don't, I think because I'm finding it all so difficult lately, I feel like I will never get the clouds in my head to disperse.
Lucy the thought that I might have to deal with this for the rest of my life puts the fear of God in me, did you ever feel like maybe you weren't strong enough to fight this? I fought it once, I thought I'd won the war, I turned my life around completely, but then it turned out I'd only won one battle. Is this going to be my life now? Is that how it's always going to be forever? Just winning battle after battle, but never ever managing to win the war? I mean, do you ever still struggle in any way? What did you find helped you? I feel like I'm swimming in treacle at the moment, I'm exhausting myself by trying so hard, and yet failing to get anywhere.
I wish I knew the answers, or what to do for the best, but I'm not entirely sure that there even are answers, and it scares me that my life is just going to consist of battle after battle, fighting just to survive each day, and I wish that someone would just be able to tell me that it will be ok, I will survive, and one day I'll win the war.
I want to apologise for pouring this all out to you Lucy, but then I know you'll probably never even read this, so I'm not sure why I'd even be apologising to you, it just feels like I should because pouring your heart out to someone often feels like you're transferring your burden onto them, when in actual fact, the burden is yours alone to carry and not to pass on. So for that reason Lucy, I'm sorry for doing this, I just wasn't sure where else to reach out to, and I sometimes feel like people just wouldn't understand or care, or they wouldn't want to anyway.
Ka xx