If you could write a letter to yourself, what would you say? Would you write just one letter, more than one, what would be your reasons for writing to yourself?
I would probably write several letters to myself, spanning several times in my life during which significant events took place, my purpose would be to reassure myself, and to try to convince myself not to act in certain ways or do certain things, not to influence or alter events as such, but to try to influence how I react to events and their aftermath instead.
Dear 14 year old me,
Your boyfriend is not worth your time, you might feel special now, it might seem cool to have the 'older guy', yes your friends are jealous, he has declared his love for you in public places via graffiti, and all the girls in school are talking about this, it feels great now, but it won't last.
He's going to hurt you, you won't even understand or realise at the time what he is actually doing to you, it will only become clear months and months later, and by then you will feel like it's too late to tell anyone. It isn't! Talk about it, talk to someone you trust, find yourself someone who you can trust, an adult, someone who can help you to understand that what he did is not ok, it isn't just you being a freak like he told you.
He won't stop at you either, you have the chance to protect your friend, you don't know it yet, but he is going to hurt her too. Please be brave, please talk to someone about how 'odd' you feel for not enjoying it, because only then will you realise and understand that he raped you, you are NOT odd, he coerced you into doing something you didn't want to, he made you feel bad, he made you feel like you were in the wrong. Please don't keep this uneasy feeling inside you, it will eat you up without you even realising. Talk to someone. Don't pretend you are ok, you're not, but if you talk about it, you will be. X
Dear 14 year old me,
Put the blade down, put in back into your pencil sharpener, go do something else, talk to someone about the urges you are having. Dragging that blade across your skin and making yourself bleed will NOT help you. It might relieve your symptoms temporarily, but it will leave you miserable, it will draw you in, it will make you feel like you can never stop doing this. You will NEED to cut, you will feel like you're going to explode if you don't cut, but there are better, safer ways of coping with all the pain you are feeling inside. You haven't discovered google yet, and social media hasn't even been dreamed up yet, so it is so much scarier trying to get the support you need. Talk to that teacher you trust, tell her what you want to do, tell her why you feel this way, don't be scared of people thinking you're a freak, you're NOT, self harm is more common than you realise, it's just that no one is really aware of it yet, and the stigma that surrounds it at this point will change as you grow up.
I know you don't realise it yet, but that first cut, it will lead on to another, and another, you will need to cut more and more, deeper, bigger, each time you will promise yourself that this is the last time, you won't do it again any more, but you will still be struggling with these compulsions 21 years later. So please, don't do for the first time, don't add this to your list, talk to someone instead. Please don't be scared to talk, talking about this with someone you trust might just stop you travelling a 21 year path of self destruction. X
Dear 14 year old me,
You are so confused aren't you, he's attractive, and most of all, his wheel chair makes him safe, he can't hurt you physically if he's in a wheelchair can he? You're going to fall in love with him, let yourself fall, embrace his friendship, cherish his company, he's a good person, he has a kind heart and he will treat you with respect, the way you deserve to be treated. You're going to discover something devastating about him,he is dying, the condition that caused him to be wheelchair bound is terminal, he is going to die, and you will believe he won't live past his teenage years. Don't run away from him and his condition, he is actually going to go on and live for around a further 12 years, you just won't know this yet. It will be scary seeing him in hospital, the tubes, the oxygen, watching him struggle to breathe, it's going to crush you, in fact this will be the reason you end the relationship. Don't be so hasty, he has so much more to offer still, don't give up on him, let yourself love him, let him love you, you have the chance to be happy with him, please don't run away scared. You need him more than you realise right now. X
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