Have you ever felt betrayed, hurt by someone you thought was a friend? Have you ever had your trust shaken up so much that you begin to question every single decision you have to make, that even months and months afterwards you realise it's still controlling the way you think, feel and react?
This happened to me last summer, I found out someone I believed was a close friend, was actually slagging me off behind my back. I won't lie, it hurt, it hurt like hell, more so because I trusted this person implicitly, I thought very highly of them, loved them like they were family only to feel like I'd literally been stabbed in the back by them.
Suddenly I began to question everything again, who could I trust, how did I know I could trust them, what if I'm wrong again and they hurt me? I found myself shrinking into myself, the confident, sparkly, bubbly person I'd fought so hard to find inside myself started to shrivel before my very eyes. It wasn't an instant response, it happened quite slowly, so slowly I didn't even notice it happening at first. I stopped being so trusting, I found negative thoughts creeping in, but I worried so much about sharing them, I started to think twice about sharing lots of things with others, started to keep my worries to myself because I was scared that I was loosing the positive, confident person I'd become. I was scared that my negative thoughts would push people away, so I kept them to myself instead, and slowly they began to eat at me, poisoning me from the inside. Then the anxiety started to kick in, that quiet voice nagging in the back of your mind, making you question everything including your own sanity. Except this time, you're dealing with the betrayal and the anxiety alone while breezing through life acting like nothing's changed and you're still the confident, positive bubbly person you were before summer. No one knows how much you're hurting, how betrayed you feel, how stupid you feel for letting this one person completely turn your life upside down with something so trivial. In fact why has something that feels so trivial shaken you up to this extent in the first place? After all this isn't the first person to say something mean behind your back, and I'm pretty sure it won't be the last either, so why does it hurt so much and why has it turned your life so inside out this way? Why, all of a sudden do I go to make a phone call and start to shake, so much so I can't dial the number? Why has it got to a point where some days I can't even bring myself to step foot out the front door? Why am I back to having multiple palpitations on a daily basis? Why am I such a wreck right now and more importantly why can't I reach out and tell someone? How can one person have such a profound impact upon your life and your mental well being, especially when that same person is probably completely unaware as to how their actions have affected you?
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