Once upon a time I used to be so worried about what people thought about me, I would pick my outfits and base my actions around how people might view me, what they might think of me. I cared more about other peoples opinions of me and my actions than I actually cared about myself. You see I hadn't figured out how to like myself back then, I based more importance on how others viewed me than on how I actually viewed myself. I would act in a way I felt was expected of me, I would dress carefully so not to draw attention to myself, I cared far too much about the opinions of strangers at times. I would walk into a room and wonder if people were staring, did I look awful? was my hair a mess? lipstick smudged? was my top too bright? Were people looking and judging me? What were they thinking? Were they quietly sniggering to themselves about how I looked? How I spoke? Walked? Paranoia literally consumed me most of the time, I was so convinced people must be pointing and laughing, talking behind my back, staring at how I looked or how I walked. It was a lonely, miserable time, paranoia has it's way of segregating you from everyone and everything, driving wedges into various parts of your life.
Then I discovered blessing manifesting, and I treated myself to a self love planner for 2014, which helps you learn how to love yourself. Now if you've read my earlier blog posts you will already know that I don't feel like I ever really liked myself as a person let alone loved myself, so this was going to be a HUGE step for me!!
I began to surround myself with positive things, I tried to think positive thoughts, I started to seek out the positive things life had to offer rather than focus on the negative aspects. The more I sought out positivity, the more positivity seemed to seek out me, and the more I thought positively, the easier it became to find things to be positive about. All of a sudden I'd gone from glass half empty, please pass vodka, to my glass literally brimming over!!! I started to see myself differently too at this point, if someone paid me a compliment I would take note instead of brushing it off and ignoring it, I started to look at the things other people commented were my good qualities and I started to recognise these in myself, instead of just politely ignoring compliments I started to enjoy them. I was seeing myself in a whole new light and suddenly I liked it, more importantly I liked ME!!
I began to realise that I was/am a worthy person, a person who is simply enough, I'm strong enough, brave enough, courageous enough and wonderful enough to simply be me and that's ok, because I'm enough.
That's when I stopped worrying about what other people thought of me, what other peoples opinions were, because it simply did not matter anymore, it wasn't a big deal if one person didn't like me, because I like me and that's important enough, it wasn't important if a stranger thought my top was too garish, because I liked my top, I chose it because I liked it and that's what mattered, and who cares what a stranger thinks of my tattoos, they're personal to me, not him, I chose them, I have to live with them and all that matters is, I love them. The paranoia seemed to just float away, replaced by a more carefree spirit instead. Although don't get me wrong, I do still have my moments, I probably wouldn't be normal if I didn't!!! But my thoughts are no longer consumed with what others might think and my choices are no longer controlled by the possible opinions of strangers. I'm so much happier these days, I love being me, I love who I am and what I do, and I can finally see that I'm not being egotistical in feeling that way, it no longer feels wrong to feel happy with myself.
If you don't like me, that's fine, that's your opinion which you're entitled to and I'm not obliged to agree with you on that, but don't expect me to welcome you with open arms when we meet or for me to treat you like one of my friends, I save that kind of treatment for my actual friends. You see, one thing I cannot tolerate and one thing I certainly am not, is two-faced. I like to know where I stand with people and treat people with similar respect. Don't talk behind my back yet expect me to act warmly towards you in public because it won't be happening, I'll be polite, don't get me wrong, I'm a nice person, and I'll be polite and respectful but that is all.
You see if you're a close friend of mine you will already know that I am fiercely loyal, I will listen with compassion, I care deeply and I will go out of my way if I think that I can help you in any way. I save all my effort and energy for my real friendships because I know that is where it is and I am appreciated.
I understand now that I deserve to treated with respect, I don't deserve rude or disrespectful treatment as I might have believed in the past and I might have accepted that kind of treatment from people in the past but not any more.
I'm no longer controlled by my fears or paranoia, I've learned not only to accept the person that I am, but to love that person too and I've realised that I am worthy of being loved, and most importantly I am enough!! I am good enough, strong enough, brave enough, I am simply enough and I am worthy of love.
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