Fear of the dark.

I was scared of the dark as a child, I don't remember when it started, or even why I was afraid. I've been told things by my mum as an adult that would cause me to wonder if maybe they're behind my fear of the dark. As a child I saw my dad hit my mum at night and told him I would phone the police on him for being a bad man. Another time I was hysterical and told my mum that something had pinned me down on the floor so I couldn't move or get away. I have no actual memories or recollections of these incidents taking place, but I know my mum would not make them up, so I don't know if maybe I've suppressed the memories as they scared me and that's why I can't remember?

I've always remembered hating the dark, I maybe didn't fear it as much when I was younger as I do now, but as you get older you develop a heightened awareness of all the things that could potentially go wrong. I've just always felt more comfortable and safe with the light on. Realistically, as an adult, I know that most of the things that I fear about the dark are completely irrational, characters from horror films do not exist, nor are they likely to be waiting for me in my own home once the lights go out. Yet these are the thoughts and fears that race through my mind as I turn off the lights. There's a tiny part of me, that actually wants to be killed by these imaginary fears, I've always believed that death would be my only real escape from the aftermath of being raped and the issues that surround it. Since I know in my heart, that I am not strong enough to take my own life, then maybe the escape would be easier if someone else took it for me. 

It's so confusing though, because as much as I want to die, I want just as much, to live. The only memory I have from when M raped me is of the dark. I just remember it being so dark that I wasn't sure where I was or who I was with, I couldn't move my body and I wasn't sure why, I was confused and my head felt very foggy. I just remember the confusion I felt, the disorientation and the dark, it was so dark. If I wake up in a dark room my initial reaction is fear and panic until I realise where I am and that I'm safe. This fear and panic escalates if I've somehow managed to tangle myself in the sheets or duvet and I find that I'm struggling to move as that takes me back to that night when I was raped. 

I even hate the silence, it's suffocating when it is so quiet, my thoughts race, I find myself thinking about how they hurt me, how they made me feel, how they still make me feel, how stupid I feel for carrying this with me for so many years. If you throw the dark into that mix too, then my mind goes into overdrive, every shadow, every noise, I imagine something bad happening and I wonder if I would actually be able to survive another attack? How I've survived up to now is actually beyond me. Sometimes I just think it would have been easier if they had just killed me when they raped me. I can't ever imagine a time when it doesn't hurt like it does now. If I live for another 30 years then that's 10,950 nights of racing in the dark to bed then laying there in the silent darkness with my heart pounding, thoughts racing, desperately trying to fall asleep. The very thought fills me with dread, and that's without even the possibility of seeing them on the street, at the shops, the school, or anywhere else I might go.