What did they take from me?

Today I've been thinking about what exactly T and M took from me when they raped me. 

The first thing I lost was trust, the ability to trust other people, the ability to trust myself, the ability to trust the decisions and choices I make, the ability to trust the decisions that others might make on my behalf. They say that breaking someone's trust is like breaking a mirror, you can do your best to pick up the pieces and put them back together again but it will never be the same as it was before. That is so very true, trust is one of the hardest things in the world to gain, yet one of the easiest things to loose at the same time. Once you've had your trust shattered the way that I had, you find yourself unable to function properly, you find yourself questioning every single decision you make right down to the clothes you wear and the way you act or speak. 

Another thing that is taken from you when you are raped, is your self-confidence. I lost what little self confidence I actually had to start with, you suddenly start to believe that it was your fault, that you caused the rapes, it was something you must have done, and when you believe that you are to blame and you don't trust yourself, you suddenly loose all your confidence. 

Things you would normally do without batting an eyelid, suddenly become huge issues; walking alone after dark, staying home on your own, going to a party. Even going to work or going about your daily life can be hugely difficult when your confidence is at an all time low and you feel like you hate yourself. 

Suddenly you find yourself feeling guilty and ashamed, sure that something you did must have caused this to happen to you, guilt is a killer. I know guilt isn't something that is taken from you, but the ability to function normally is something that is taken from you, and that is because of the guilt that you feel, if only the shame didn't keep you from telling people how you feel, then maybe the guilt would be easier to resolve? 

But the shameful feelings prevent you from telling people what has happened and by keeping quiet there is no one to tell you that it was NOT your fault, no one to explain to you that you weren't to blame and so you carry on feeling guilty and ashamed and the vicious cycle will continue until you are finally able to break it. 

The only positive to all of this is that although you lost a lot when you were raped, the things that were taken from you are actually replaceable, you can get them back, eventually, with a lot of effort and hard work, and the right people in your life, it actually is possible to trust again, both yourself and other people, you will one day feel confident again, and you will finally let go of the guilt, shame and blame. That day WILL come you just have to carry on fighting for it. X