There are so many reasons why a woman might choose NOT to report being raped to the police, in fact there are probably more reasons why women don't report the rape than there are reasons to report the crime.
The first time I was sexually assaulted, I wasn't actually aware at that time that any kind of criminal offence had occurred It was months later when I realised what had actually happened that day, it always kind of felt wrong, but at the time I was the 14 year old with the 18 year old boyfriend - it was kind of like a status symbol! I was with an older boy, a man, I had what a lot of girls my age wanted, and I was secretly pleased with this new found attention that it brought me, especially since before this I was a nothing, nobody ever really noticed me in the corner, blending into the background. The downside was that it all came at a price, I didn't tell anyone what had gone on, would they think I was a slut being just 14? Would they believe me? Girls had claimed to have done it before and people didn't believe them, what would make me any different? I just didn't want to brag about what I'd done, I didn't like it, I didn't enjoy it and I was so worried that people would tell me I was 'frigid' for feeling that way. So I said nothing. I ended the relationship and I said nothing at all to anyone, not until months later when in talking to a friend I kind of pieced together what had happened. By that point it was just too late to even think about going to the police really.
Next time, when 'T' raped me, it shook my world, I didn't know who to tell, or what to say. Almost a year earlier I had slept with T, we didn't plan it, I had this thing for him, everyone knew it, I was happy at that time to consent, it felt right, I wanted to be with him. I guess I thought if I did this, maybe he would love me like I loved him?
Anyway fast forward 9 months, I had been in a relationship with someone else for 6 months, during that period of time, my relationship with T was entirely platonic, best of friends only. I'd only been a few weeks out of the relationship when T raped me, and I'm sure, that if he'd waited for me, if he'd just waited a bit longer, I probably would have happily been with him again.
It's just that at that time, it was just a few weeks after the split and all I could think of was wanting my ex back, I'd found out that my ex was now with a very close friend of mine instead and I was devastated, I just wanted him back. That's the only reason I said no to T, I thought if I turned T down, then my ex would see how much I loved him and maybe change his mind about the split.
It didn't work. Instead it shook me to the core, I knew what he'd done, I knew when it was happening what he was doing, I just didn't know who I could tell. My 3 best friends at the time,were T, my ex and his new girlfriend, they were the 3 people I would have been most likely to confide in, yet I felt betrayed by all 3.
6 days later there was a party at T's house. If I refused to go then my group of friends would have found that really odd, so instead I forced myself to go and act normal, only it didn't work, I had a few drinks and I completely freaked out. I told my ex what had happened, he got really angry, he told my mum what had happened, my mum called the police and I suddenly found myself drunk and hysterical with my ex and 2 police officers giving a statement of what had happened 6 days earlier. I don't remember a lot of that night, I think the alcohol helped me block most of the memories.
One of my friends mums went to confront T, before the police went to speak to him. He denied everything, he admitted we'd slept together but he denied it was rape, he claimed I had never once said 'don't do this' or 'stop' as far as he was concerned, it was all fine.
The next day the police came back to me, they asked more questions, had me go over and over that day so many times. Finally the police sat me down with my mum. They actually advised me NOT to press any charges against T, he had said that I'd consented and as a week had passed there was likely to be no forensic evidence left, so it was going to come down to my word against his in a courtroom. The police then went on to explain how it would go against me, that day 9 months earlier when we'd had sex willingly, that it would go against me that I'd come out of a sexual relationship just weeks earlier. They then explained that it would go in T's favour the fact that his dad was a vicar, that they lived in the rectory and attended regular church services. Basically the defence would make me out to be a promiscuous teen whilst making T out to be a saint. The police advised at that point, that I retract my statement and don't press any charges. Of course I did exactly that, there was no way I could have stood up in a courtroom, whilst the defence tore strips off me and made me out to be some kind of whore. That would have hurt even more. I do often wonder though, if that statement I made that night is sat around in police archives somewhere? Or if its been destroyed by now?
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