Re-connecting

There is something strangely comforting about crying alone in an empty church. 

It's quite amazing because for me personally, this particular church holds some of my happiest memories (my wedding day, our vow renewals, the baptism of both my daughters, my confirmation and my daughters first holy communion) yet at the same time, this church (or just churches in general) also hold some of my most painful memories too. You see for so many years I associated and blamed church and religion for what T did. There was a point in my life, not all that many years ago either, where I physically was not able to walk into a church on my own, and the mere thought of walking through those doors alone into an empty church simply terrified me. 

I'm sat here now, alone, reflecting on those feelings, and I'm wondering how something which right here and now at this very moment in time, is such an immense source of comfort to me, could have ever ignited such fear inside of me. Where did that fear come from? And more importantly, where has it gone? 

Every now and then the building creaks, and although I'm aware of the noise, I'm not afraid of it, the silence is comforting, the creaks let me know that even though I'm alone, I'm not. I honestly don't think I could possibly hurt anymore than I've already been hurting anyway. 

I wonder, how many people have sat in this seat before me? Who were they, where did they come from, what were their stories, what brought them here? Sitting on the cold stone floor makes me wonder how many feet have trod this path before mine did? There are so many grooves and marks in the stones and in the wood, I just want to run my fingers over each and every one, tracing the paths of those who were here first, wondering what brought them here, who they were, what they did? Re-connecting with a part of myself that had somehow gotten lost recently. I have never felt so calm, so at home, I needed to just rethink, re-evaluate, realise what I'd lost and find it again. 

I needed to sit here and give my tears back to God, to figure out if and how I can bring myself back, to think about who I am and what I want and more importantly, what I need, in order to focus on the future and not the past. 

I've cried, I've smiled, I've apologised, I've sought inspiration, and I've thought. I know I'm confused right now, I'm not entirely sure what I want, or who I am, but being here, having this time to re-connect myself with church, with religion, with God, it's given me some ideas. 

I've always craved the quick fix to my problems, rushing into things like a tornado and often destroying myself a bit further in the process, now it's time to slow down, to think, carefully, only I can fix me, only I can take this journey, only I have the answers and its up to me to figure them out. X