Guilt: n. 1. the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, esp. against moral or penal law.
2. a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
Shame: n. 1. the painful feeling of having done or experienced something dishonorable, improper, foolish, etc.
See most, if not all rape survivors, feel guilty or shameful after being raped, guilty because we convince ourselves that we must have done something to cause this to happen to us (in my case one of the times it was drinking and getting intoxicated, if I hadn't got drunk that night would have ended entirely differently and not with being raped) and then you have shame, shame is what silences us, keeps us from telling people what happened to us. I told someone what happened to me and I was told "m isn't like that, he wouldn't do that" which then made me feel like it was my fault, I had somehow made him do that. Logic doesn't even come into play during these moments, because although logically I know that nothing I did caused M to rape me, I was passed out, fast asleep, when he raped me, so I know that my actions didn't cause the rape.
But then the guilt and shame kick in, I need somewhere to point the blame, somewhere to direct the anger that I feel, and the safest place to direct all those feelings is at myself. My skirt was too short, my top was revealing, I'd had too much to drink, I didn't fight him off, I didn't say no, all reasons to blame myself, to feel guilty and ashamed.
Had this happened to a friend, I know I'd be first there telling her it wasn't her fault, she has every right to wear what she wants, drink what she wants and to still feel safe, I'd tell her the alcohol stopped her from fighting and saying no, it's not her fault that she couldn't move to push him away, it's not her fault that she didn't say no, she didn't realise what he was doing at first because of the alcohol. So if I can see all this logically and I would comfort another person in this way, then why on earth do I choose to punish myself for these things?
Because if I don't punish myself and direct my anger at myself, then I need someone else to punish, somewhere else to direct the anger, the only other place is at my attackers. Something which I fear would not be possible without huge ramifications as a result.
I did confront T, I spoke about that in the blog post titled "confronting your demons" and there were no ramifications, I received what I felt to be a sincere apology from someone who felt guilty for his own actions and had spent years torturing himself as a result. A lot like I had been doing. But somehow even knowing that hasn't seemed to fix things in my head.
I could never confront M, I honestly believe that he didn't think he was doing anything wrong that night, and I know he bragged to friends about this "conquest" which hurts even more, because I know he will never understand how much he hurt me, and I know he will never care about it.
I feel like I'm fighting a constant battle with these people, I feel like I need to win, they hurt me, they made me suffer, which means they've been winning all these years, and now I need to fight back and win.
When actually, the battle I'm fighting, it's not with T, or even M, it's with myself.
I'm fighting myself, waging a constant war in my own head, convincing myself I'm fighting these demons, when I'm only fighting myself. The problem is though, when there's only one person fighting the battle, although you may win, you will find that you also loose too.
I know I can't change what happened to me. I can't control what T and M did, I couldn't control it back then so I certainly can't control it now. I cannot alter the past. All I have is here and now, all I have are my memories, my reactions to what happened, two things that are actually controlling me right now. Except these are things that I CAN change, my memories, my reactions, these are things that I actually can control.
So that will be my new battle, I cannot change the past or what happened to me, but I CAN change myself and how I react to the past and I can control my memories and how I react to those.
I spent far too many years blaming and punishing myself, simply because that was the easiest and safest option I had, but now it's time to step out of my safety zone, let down some of my barriers, and do what's right for me, NOT what's easy for me! Easy is locking things up and torturing myself, but right is letting go and changing my reactions, letting people in and finding the real me! She is in there somewhere, no more hiding her away, no more fronts or masks, just the open honest truth.
No comments:
Post a Comment