More thoughts

So the other day I discussed dealing with some of the bigger issues, in order to start fixing and resolving the smaller issues. The 2 main things that I am up against are T and M, both have their own set of problems and each one is going to be incredibly difficult to try to deal with and solve. 

First M, you see M is the more threatening presence in my life right now. M is the one that I'm likely to run into going about my daily life, shopping, working, days out locally with the kids, M is the one that lives locally, the one that I live in fear of running into on a daily basis. I just don't remember what actually happened with M, you see, I'd been drinking (back to those bad choices we make!) I wasn't even sure where I was when I woke up that night, I wasn't sure what was happening at first, and even when I realised someone was having sex with me, I couldn't make my body or my brain work the way I needed to, I didn't even know who it was until he spoke and I recognised his voice. I have spent many years questioning if this was even rape? For all I knew I could have consented but had no memory of that part. Having read up in books and online, it is classed as rape if a person is too intoxicated to be deemed capable of consenting to sex. So the answer I was looking for, was yes, M raped me, whether I said yes or not, I was incapable of making that decision for myself at that moment in time. If I had the opportunity I never would have slept with M, it would have just been too weird as we'd grown up together and I just didn't think of him like that, I never had. 

You could call T a less threatening presence in my life, he moved away from the area many years ago, the chances of me running into him in Asda are pretty remote to say the least. Our paths had not crossed for several years and were not likely to cross at any point in the near future. However, despite this, the psychological damage that T caused cuts far deeper than I ever imagined it would. The betrayal on so many levels affected me far more than I first realised. 

T and I were super close, he was someone I could talk too, he knew I'd been raped, he'd held me as I cried, comforted me and reassured me, he made me feel safe and could make everything ok when he wrapped his arms around me. Sunday mornings before church and after church we were often found curled up watching episodes of Red Dwarf together, I trusted T completely, that line between friendship and more often blurred, lines were crossed, but I was so comfortable with him. I think that's what hurts so much, I'd have been with him, he only had to say the word and I'd have crossed that line with him because I held him on a pedestal. 

There were a few months when I was in a relationship with someone else and T liked to poke fun at that relationship, but despite my feelings for T, during that time I'd have never done anything to spoil things in my current situation. When we broke up I was heartbroken, and T was the one with open arms, comforting, safe and secure. On that particular day were were messing around, talking, joking, playing that stupid game that required someone to admit they were nervous - we'd played it so many times before, I had every faith that I was safe with T, he'd never given me a reason to doubt him yet. But somehow that day ended up different because he didn't stop when I asked, and my protests and giggles were soon stopped dead when I realised what was happening. I switched off, turned my focus everywhere but there, I watched the church out of the window, questioned the morals of a God who allowed people to hurt like this. My soul was being torn to shreds, I'd never be able to repair this, and I had no idea where or how to even begin. 

How do you try to rebuild your trust when it's been shattered into so many pieces? When you've used your judgement to figure out who it is safe to trust, and then it turns out that you couldn't have been more wrong, you suddenly begin to question everything, even years later, every time you need to trust your instincts, you start questioning your judgement, always turning back to T. I thought I could trust T but look how wrong I was, how can I be sure that I can trust this person? The psychological effects of this betrayal of trust wreak havoc upon your life. You no longer have any logical concept of who is safe to trust, who poses a threat and might hurt you? 

If you combine the damage caused by T, with the damage caused by M, all you have is a shadow, that's all that remained. A tiny whisp of my former self, I did everything I could to fade into the background from then on, choosing to blend in rather than stand out.