Fear? What is it I have to fear when I see him? That he will attack me again? In public! Of course he wouldn't be so stupid! Then what? The only thing I have left to fear is a memory, that awful split second memory that is triggered when I see him, that memory that plays, over and over, and over, the memory where I slowly figure out what's happening to me yet I cannot do a single thing to stop what's happening. The memory where I don't try to stop him, I just lay there all fuzzy wondering how I move again. The memory that haunts me still, all these years later. I just don't know how to change my reaction to that memory, it paralyses me briefly, and then it just runs and runs, bombarding my thoughts with its pain. I can't stop it, and I don't know any other way to react to it, initially my fear when seeing him was real, it was valid, but as the years passed the fear became irrational, I know he won't touch me, he can't hurt me, I'm never likely to be alone with just him again, so it's not possible for him to hurt me. Yet my reaction remains the same all these years on and I just wish I knew how I could react differently when I saw him but I just don't have any control over my reaction yet. Will that come? Ever?
No comments:
Post a Comment