Anger

Lately I've felt like a red cloud descended upon me, for no particular reason with no prompting, the anger just appears like a red mist, it's as though the more I try to organise my head, sort through my feelings and make decisions about moving on with life, the more intense the anger becomes. Almost as though I'm angry at myself for wanting to deal with my past properly and try to heal properly, the closer I get to trying to take these steps the more the anger grabs me and tries to hold me back. I don't actually know why I'm so full of rage, I don't really have any particular or valid reason to feel this way, I just can't seem to control the way that I feel though. It's killing me. Slowly, but surely, it's eating away at me, filling my head with ugly thoughts, with hateful feelings, just this awful red rage, consuming me from the inside out. I need to figure out a way to control it and I need to figure it out fast. I need my life back, I just want to be able to open my mouth and speak instead of feeling my jaw clenched refusing to let my feelings out. I want nothing more than one day to walk past one of them 3 and feel nothing, no pain, no fear, no anxiety, no hatred, just nothing. I want to tear my soul to pieces and then slowly and carefully put it back together again, unlike last time when I hastily tried to fix things with all the wrong coping mechanisms. I want to do this properly, no haste, no quick fix, just pure determination to sort the past out once and for all. Only it would appear that my demons clearly object to these decisions, in fact they are pretty much ruining my life all over and making things pretty miserable right now. I was told in the past that its when you try to rid your life of demons that they will do everything in their power to try to stop you. That's exactly what they are doing, and right now they're turning me into a big volatile ball of rage and they're winning. Now I need to find the strength and figure out how and IF I am able to fight back.