Self Harm

Why do people self harm? Why would one person feel the need to hurt themselves? There's so many reasons behind this destructive practice, I can't answer for anyone else, I can only talk about and relate to my own experiences and my personal reasons and that's what this blog will be about. 

I started hurting myself when I was 14 and although I've gone periods of time without cutting I've never really been able to stop completely, and I've never been able to shake the compulsion inside me that tells me to cut. I've gone as long as a year in the past without hurting myself, but even during that year it wasn't that I didn't think about hurting myself, or want to hurt myself, I was just strong enough at that point in my life to fight against those urges. 

You see, sometimes when I get a build up of anger, or hurt inside, it hits a point where I need to release those feelings, that's when I cut. As the blood starts to run I feel an instant release, almost like all the anger and the hurt is in my blood and by getting rid of that, I'm also getting rid of the bad emotions. 

Self harm is something that I definitely would NOT recommend though, it is the most destructive, addictive, vicious cycle I have ever found myself in. I wish that I could get out of this but it just isn't as easy as simply stopping unfortunately. Self harm is the only way I've ever known how to deal with these feelings and emotions, it's a punishment for all the bad things I let happen, it's a release for all the bad feelings and emotions I experience, it's a way of making invisible pain visible. 

The pain that rape causes is hidden, no one can see it, no one can heal it or fix it, but when you cut yourself, there is suddenly a visible wound to focus on, all the hurt becomes focused there as you slowly watch it heal and vanish. While you have something real and physical to show for the pain you are feeling it's that little bit easier to deal with the burden. Cutting is highly addictive though, if you think you can do it once and stop, you'll be disappointed, you cut once and you are suddenly gripped by this need to do it again and again and again, it's so hard to stop. 

I wish that I'd found a different way to deal with my pain when I was 14, self harm was and is one of the biggest mistakes I ever made as I'm almost convinced it will plague me for the rest of my life unless I find another way to work through all the pain, emotions and feelings I hold inside. 

Since Thursday I have struggled from hour to hour fighting the need inside me that tells me I have to cut in order to feel better, there was a small moment of weakness, which was my biggest downfall because as soon as you have that moment of weakness you are dragged into the black cloud and it becomes ten times harder to fight the urges. I'm fighting, I'm resisting and I'm trying my damned hardest not to give in, but the battle is not won yet and so the fight goes on..........