The more I think about the past, the deeper I fall into the black cloud, and although this seems like a bad thing, it usually culminates to a positive ending, for a little while anyway.
The only way out of the black cloud is by working through and resolving all the issues that are holding you there in the first place. In doing this it does bring you to a better, more positive place in your healing. Although some would question if more than 15 years is a feasible timescale for recovery and healing? Sometimes I feel as though I've dealt with everything, all the feelings, emotions, fears, everything related to the rapes, and I feel positive about life, and positive that I can cope in future. Then there's the times when something triggers me, brings me back to a memory, a flashback, a feeling, bringing everything hurtling back, it's those times that I feel as though I will never fully recover from what happened to me. Those times that make me feel like this is me, this is the rest of my life, constantly waiting for the next trigger. Is that what it is always going to be like?
One of the things holding me in the black cloud this time is my fear of being touched. Now I don't mean being touched by my husband, my children, my closest family or friends. Those relationships have been built up over many years, the bonds have been formed and strengthened and I've grown accustomed to how it feels to be touched by these people and I know to expect touch when I'm around them.
What I'm actually referring to is touch from someone I'm not close enough to to have built any trust with, touch when I'm not expecting it, touch from a stranger or someone I don't know very well.
In those instances, those situations, I have to fight every response within me that is telling me to run, and instead I freeze, my body will tense, I cannot breathe, I cannot move, think or focus for that split second until I can get myself to focus back on the present and by then the touch is over.
How do you explain this reaction to the people who touch you though? Depending on what type of touch it was depends on the explanation I will give, if someone comes from behind and touches you, whether they touch your shoulder, back, arm, I will use the excuse that they simply shocked me, causing me to jump. In the instance of a hug from someone you are not expecting a hug from, they usually do not notice that you freeze, so long as you act out the hug realistically, they will probably not notice your held breath or tense body whilst they are hugging you. If you are with someone and you see them
moving to touch you, you can anticipate the touch coming and can brace yourself ready for the moment, I usually find myself tensing up in anticipation of being touched and holding my breath for a few seconds while it takes place. The anticipation helps you to prepare so you are not finding yourself shocked by the touch and although the feeling is not nice it isn't as scary as if the moment came as a shock.
So how do you manage to overcome this fear and deal with it? Will I ever be able to cope with being touched by people I'm not close to? Is the only way to overcome this fear really just being touched by people? Why does the very thought of that prospect terrify me? Why do I feel physically sick just thinking about it? Has anyone got the answers to these questions?
Why does this feel so important to me right now? I know that this fear is what is currently holding me inside this black cloud, but I just don't know if I am strong enough to confront the fear right now. It's holding me back, I know it is, I know that it is preventing me from trying new things, I know that the fear is affecting my life in a negative way, what I just don't know is how or even if I can find the strength to fight and overcome that which is keeping me captive?
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